ok then...

Well, tons has happened within the past few weeks. My sister, Otter, was living with me and the Rabbit. Due to things not being done the way they were supposed to be, she is now back home with her parents. I wish it didn't happen, but there is nothing I can do about that. Wish there was. Second, I no longer have a cell phone. Those of you with the number, well...you won't reach me. You will reach my sister. I decided that it wasn't something I needed to have, and since my sister had no phone...well, give it to her and be done with it. Hence, no longer having a leash. Nothing connecting me to my mother. Works for me.

Other than that, it's SSDD. So, feel free to contact me, if you know how anyway.

Brightest Blessings.

Yippee!

Officially moved into my new place. It's a nice 3 bedroom house, and almost ALL the boxes are gone. YAY! Currently, I live with the Rabbit, the Otter and my Princess Pea. Fortunately, thus far, everything is going great. Once reality sets in, I am quite sure that will change. The Otter is once more job hunting. Due to her being sick, and helping me, she lost her job. Dang-It! The Rabbit is getting His stuff together to begin work with Swift. Another good thing. Then toss in the Princess Pea learning to walk, and there is TONS going on. Also, got 3 cats and a dog living in this house as well. Can we say PACKED! HAHA. But, Nemisis, Mozart and Noggie are doing well. ( Cats ) and Sequoia ( the dog ) is learning her new place rather quickly. YAY So, I suppose that's it. As always, if ya'll want to contact me, you each have your methods. Ciao Babes!

It's official

I am moving this weekend! Calling all strong hands! HAHA. Just kidding, though I could use help moving one very akward couch. Anyway, I won't be online for awhile. But hope to have that back up and running ASAP. If anyone wants to see me, talk to me prior to that, you have my phone number, or know someone who does have it. Give a ring.

Again with the boxes!!

Finally found a place. 3 bedrooms. Ok neighborhood...but right in my price range. Which is, CHEAP! Showed Tiger today, though I wasn't sure if His reaction was a good thing, or a bad thing. Hope to move this weekend. IF everything works out as it should. I can pray..as I always do. So my friends, once more...after this weekend, I will have limited access for awhile. I will do all I can to not make it too long. But know, that I will...as always...return. Somehow, I can't seem to remain away from this place. This hellish pit of internet hell.

Idle Minds R Us

It's terrible when your mind becomes idle and you begin to think of things better left in the past. Yet, I find myself doing so. For yesterday, the past was brought full force into my mind. And it is on that I contemplate.
It's been years, since I thought so deep on choices. On things said, done and left undone. I remember what once was. How I felt. How I loved.
I can name, truly very few who touched my heart, my life. Yet still names come into my mind. Wondering.
Dragonfly, Tiger,Sandcat, Eagle and Foo.
These names mean little to most of you who might read this post. Yet, to me they will always mean something. For with them, a piece of my heart rests always. Thick or thin, I think of them always. Pray for them, dream of them, wish for them.
Dragonfly was the First. For He changed much about the way I saw things. The way I wanted things. He captured my innocence in a way that it could never be reclaimed. I lost Him, and to this day I wonder if I could have changed that. Had I begged, pleaded, broke down..would it have helped? If I had done so, would my life be different? So many questions that will ever remain unanswered. Ever be written in my heart, where no other can begin to understand the impact.
Sandcat...how dear he will always remain to me. The first to stand up and be heard. The first to protect and guide my heart. The first lover. The first deep emotion. The first star lit gaze. He got such a bad deal with me. I regret nothing, for I knew Him once. I still hear His laughter now and then when times get particularly bad. That laugh, His sparkling blues...they are a secret salvation. A glory in my heart.
Tiger...dearest love, sweetest man, wonderous friend. So many things to learn from Him. To this day, I still learn. He will always be with me, even when He isn't. We've missed so much. We've lost, so much. Can it be regained? Never. But it can be built upon. Made better. I won't lose Him again. No one can ask that of me. No one can ask me to say goodbye to the man who taught me to fight, to give quick retorts, to quip and lead with my right...not my left.
Eagle...so much love and pain mingled in one place. So much my heart aches for Him. So much my mind lets go. I love Him, and I hate him. How this is possible, I do not know. I know should He want me, I will be there. Should He need me, he has but to say my name. I want to pluck out his feathers and stick them up his nose...but I want to hold him, and tell him the world is not as cruel as he thinks. Then again...maybe he is right, and the world is a shiftless, bottomless pit.
Foo...so many memories. So many years. Keeper of things I've long since forgotten. Holder of many jokes and smiles. Patience. Loyalty. Adoration. Devotion. He is a quandry. A mystery. He is fidgity, restless, fickle. Yet honest, hardworking and true. Once called friend by the Rabbit, He is always just that. He is always by your side, even when you make a horrible choice. He always forgives, and always moves on. He's taught me comprimise, forgiveness, love. His rabbit hole of a mind, is dark and scary...yet even through the looking glass...He manages a bright smile.
I know not why I ramble so, yet such thoughts entered my brain, and they had to be released. Tiger, put so many things there. I must let it go, or it will fester.

Odd...

I never realized, that people might actually think me weird for being a mother. That people would have -gasp- never thought of me as one and find it strange and even odd. For as long as I can remember, I knew I wanted to have one child. Originally I wanted a boy. Strong and handsome. Blue eyed....instead, I got a darling, and charming little girl. Blue eyed. I can't possibly be happier. It just isn't possible for me. I know I will never have another one. I can't. That, is impossible. But I know I am glad I am a mother. Even if it does seem strange to other people. Now, for the news. What little I have. I have been most fortunate and blessed to see the Tiger. More than once. Heck, even more than five times. I'm starting to wonder! I enjoy my time with Him, and My princess pea seems to really enjoy Him as well. Could it be, that He and I are bonding again? I worry over the Tiger however. His lack of joy, happiness. Even when He laughs, it seems hollow. If there was something I could do, anything to bring back the sparkle to His eyes, the bounce to His step. Pluck Him from darkness and give Him forth to the light once more. I would in a heartbeat. There is no doubt. I will always worry of the Tiger. For regardless of what anyone might say, or think, He remains ever close to my heart. Even when I hate Him. It was also pointed out recently, that I fidget too much. I never thought myself to be a fidgeting person, but apparently I am. For I've heard it from more than once person. Perhaps I ought to buy stock in pen caps and coke bottle caps. Chewing on them mellows me, and I suppose it will for a long time. Anyway, Mothers Day is fast approaching. My first, and I am thrilled. So, to all you mothers out there...Happy Mothers Day. To all of you who have mothers, call them, give them a card, take them to lunch. Let them know that even though you aren't there with them every day, they are always in your heart. For truthfully, you will never know when they won't be. Brightest Blessings to you all.

So sue me

It's been awhile since I bothered posting here. Mainly because my life has been a series of up and down for quite some time. So, finally having a free moment to do more than simply check my Myspace page, I thought I might be able to go ahead and catch you all up to speed. So to speak.

First and foremost - The Princess Pea's father and I are talking about trying to work it out. I don't know that the relationship can be saved, but it's worth a shot. So I'm taking it. If it can't be, at least I can say I tried all I could to hold it together, and leave it at that.

Second - The Princess Pea is now 10 months old. Quite the changed creature from the one I had so many months ago. I can't believe that within such a short time she will be a year old. It feels like I just had her! She's crawling now, and pulling up, and cruising around holding onto things. Hands included. She can wave bye bye. She's grown so much, and I honestly don't know if I'm ready for it.

Third - Getting my ducks in a row. As much as they can be afterall. Dealing with everything that comes my way. Trying to remain sane, without letting too much weigh me down. It's hard, but I manage. I just happen to get more and more gray hair from it. HAHA!

Now, for the upside. There has been a few good things going on.

Easter came and went. However, I did get to see my cousin Matt. He came in for Easter from Ohio. ( Didn't I just kiss that stinking place goodbye?! )
I FINALLY got to see my adopted brother, Tiger. Thank god for small miracles. He seems to be doing well. It's funny, you never realize how much you've missed someone, until they are back around and you can once more consider them a part of your life. He appears to, if nothing else, tolerate the Princess Pea. Who is fasinated with Him. Quite funny actually. My old friend, Hedgehog had a baby girl about five weeks ago. I'm so happy for her. Though I admit, it is a little startling to think of the Hedgehog as a Mommy. I suppose that's it for good news. Without continually running on about the bright spot in my life ( The Princess Pea ) So, I will end here and say to you all Bright Blessings, and Good Night!

Oh Yippee!

It's another day of job hunting - Don't suppose any of you know of any job openings do you? Just finished putting out a bunch of resume's on Monster.com. Guess that kind of rounds out my day. HAHA. Anyway, not much going on here. No life. Not romantically or otherwise. Sad, I know. Kind of keep hoping someone actually wants to see me, yet no doors have opened. Suppose I am once more the enigma. The unknown. Hope you all are doing alright. Know that you are in my thoughts and heart - always.

Baby it's cold outside

Another day of snow and chill. Not to mention the cold I've got ( along with the Princess Pea ) but, we are both doing as well as we can I suppose. Can't say I've been doing much aside from job hunting and all that jazz. Wish I had a life, but I don't. Most of the people I once hung out with live night lives - and having a baby, I can no longer live that kind of life. I miss hanging out and doing things, but, such is life. I wouldn't trade my daughter to have all that back. She is far more special to me than a million different nights out.

I hope all of you are well. You are missed by me.

YAY!!!!

Here I am in Colorado. Thank the heavens above for such wonders! Needless to say, I got here, and only found out afterward everything that's been going on. Go figure. HAHA. And then, to top it off - this last Wends...there was a HUGE blizzard. Pretty close to the blizzard of 03. Kinda scary.

Then, lets add something to that - The Eagle is worried I will find someone else before He gets out here. Now, I know I have a fickle nature, however....He's all I've thought about since He and I split many years ago. Sure, my life went on, but my mind still stuck on him. Why is this? Obsession? Love? Who knows. All I know, I will wait around for him. Wait for him to be able to get out here. I understand how the lack of fundage goes, and I am not about to throw a fit simply because He's not here. Even if I would love for him to be. I hope the Eagle understands my faith and commitment to this whole thing. If He doesn't, I suppose one day He'll fully comprehend it all.

I hope to see you all soon. Take care and have a Merry Christmas!!!

Last post, until I have a computer again

Here it is the 13th of December - The Princess Pea is officially 6 months old. YAY! She's cutting her first tooth ( on the bottom row of her jaw ) Today is also my LAST day in Hicksville Ohio. THANK GOD!! I can't wait to be home! I really can't wait. Tomorrow night, I will be home. With my family. With my daughter. And once more around those who know me better than most. So, I bid you all a fine fare well, and promise that eventually I will post once I am able. To those of you that I know read this - I will either see you soon, or I shall miss you dearly. To those of you who read this that I do not know, Bright Blessings and a Very Merry Christmas to you all.

Soon to be

Soon enough I leave. I can't wait to return Home. Home to my family. Home to things I know and understand. I leave the 14th, and arrive the same day at 6 pm. A five hour flight with my daughter ( and my cat...thanks to the Eagle ) and poof, there I'll be. I can't wait. I truly can't wait. I am soon to be gone from this place known as Hicksville, and once more back home in the wonderful Colorado. It seems to me that things are simply flying. Time, has sped up to an almost quick draw speed and I am left watching it all pass by. I'm excited, and nervous about returning home. Mainly because it's been a year and a couple months, and when I left I was a different person, than the one who is coming home now. I can't wait to see some people, but other people I would rather just avoid. My life and mentality has changed from what they once knew, and I am quite unsure that I have anything in common with those people anymore. I am looking forward to seeing the entirity of my family. And this year I get to see my cousin as well. Since we all pretty well figure this will be my grandfathers last Christmas, I think we're going all out to make it special. For him, and for us. I keep wondering idly how everything will go down. How many of my family will simply let me forget the negative stuff and enjoy the happiness ? How many of them will simply accept that I am a mother, and therefore it is I who will choose what is best for my infant daughter? I don't know. I know it will be a culture shock to all of them. After all, this is ME we're talking about. I seriously doubt they comprehend what to expect. And, if they do, I doubt they know to what extent. The only person who might have half a clue, is the Bug. After all, she was here the first month after the Princess Pea was born. So, why wouldn't she understand at least a little of my mothering skills. Nevertheless, I don't worry about her commentary, as much as I do my mothers, grandmothers, and my uncles wife. I just know someone is going to comment, and I am going to have to put them in their place. After all, this is my life - and my daughters life now. No one elses.

I shall be away from online for awhile ( except the spare moments I manage to use my sisters or grandfathers computer ) But, on the plus side - I will be home. I will be back with the people that, despite my worry and nervousness, I adore beyond measure.

So, while this is my last post for awhile, I do wish you all a wonderful Christmas. A happy new year, and all the blessings that come with it. May your days be merry and bright my friends.

P.S. All the wonderful Calvin and Hobbes comic strips, are humor. And, I honestly thought the Sandcatt might get a kick out of them if He still bothers to read my blog!

Lets say thanks

I believe, whole heartedly that we ought to send our thanks to the men and women fighting for our freedom. Our country, and our safety. So thinking, I have found a site where you can go, pick out a card to send, pick a message ( or write your own ) and have it sent. All FREE!

http://www.letssaythanks.com

These men and women of the service need to hear they are appreciated. That they are remembered. And most of all, that people are waiting for them to come home. Take a moment, and send the card. It will make someone's day brighter.

On another note - 3 days!! Only 3 days and I'm headed HOME! I can't wait. Truly, can't, wait!!

Shattered Illusions

With one movement. One idle thought. One misplaced hand, all illusions can be shattered. Such has happened. One I called friend, dearest friend, for a decade.....has wronged me worse than any other could ever do. Once, I thought being hit, being cheated on was the worst. Now, I know better. I was harmed in one way a woman can probably never forget. For it burns it's image upon my heart. My trust, is shattered. My illusions of the one who wronged me, are no more. I cannot forgive this readily. I cannot accept apologies. Such is the will that mangled this heart. How can I openly trust, again?

I don't know...

I don't know what to call this post, except idle ramblings once more. Though I must say thank you to my dear Tiger, for pointing out Counting errors. However, I hope He realizes that I was counting the day I was on as well. Either way, I never said I was good at math, infact I believe I always said the opposite. HA!

Today was spent mostly at Doctors appointments. Either for myself, or my daughter. Getting medical records, etc etc, so that when I get to Colorado I have all my ducks in a row so to speak. Not that I couldn't have gotten them later, it's just easier to get now. Instead of waiting. The Princess Pea is now officially longer than she is heavier. Which is to say, her weight has dropped in comparison to her length. YAY! Today she weighed in at 18 pounds, 27.5 inches. Not to shabby for a six month old. She is, as always, perfectly healthy. The only bane of today's appointment? Shots. I hate seeing them jab her with needles. And the crying she does due to such agony is just miserable on my heart.

Today, was also the visit from the At Home Nurse ( thanks to the Hospital's wonderful health care system - a true marvel all the things small towns do for babies ) The Princess pea was assessed and is once more ahead of the game. Doing things older babies are doing. Minus the crawling of course. Though, I don't think it will be long til that happens either. I had to let the home nurse know what was going on, and so it was the last visit. A shame, because I truly liked the at home nurse. She was great.

Moving on, got everything packed up, and ready to go. YAY. I honestly can't wait to be out of here. For numerous reasons. I'm trying not to be bitchy, complain or redundant, however I simply can't handle the way some people expect me to entertain them every waking moment. I do have an infant, therefore I do have something more important than kissing someone's ass. As usual, I'm ranting. Letting steam go. I find that this blog is wonderful for that.

9 days and counting.......ready yet?

( hope I got that right, or Tiger will give me no end of grief! )

11 days and counting

I really don't mean to continue posting EVERY single day til I hit Colorado. However, I find in my free time ( which is quite small all things considered ) that I need the time to vent. Vent frustrations about packing, moving. About the Rabbit. About the In-Laws. About everything. I try very hard to not worry about it. To say to myself my time here is short, therefore I don't really have to worry about much of anything. However, such stresses and small things are chipping away at my resolve. I find myself biting my tongue more often then not, simply to keep the peace. I just don't know what I am to do. Honestly. I don't know how to let it all roll off my back any other way. I suppose it all falls down to something we're all typically taught as children.

" If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all "

And so, that is what I've been trying to do. Trying in vain most times. But still trying. I was thinking of things I'd miss in Hicksville. Things that made this 'worth' it. I came up with a very small list. I'd miss my dear friend and her husband. I'd actually miss my neighbors. They've been wonderful people to know. I'd miss the quiet nature of this small town. The lack of crime, sirens and whatnot. I'd miss the simple pull that is quiet town life. However, the list of things I will NOT be missing, is so much longer than that. It's amazing really. While I rejoice in the quiet now and then, I can honestly say, I'll be glad to get back to a real city. A real life. Where lights can be seen 24/7. Where I can actually get my milk at 3 am if I have to. Where things, including grocery stores, are open on Sunday. Where my family is. Home is where the heart is, and while My Daughter and I make that heart beat - My Home...is with my insane, slightly obnoxious, definately dysfunctional family. How I love and miss them.

12 days and counting

Ok, so it's like the twelve days of Christmas. Only earlier for me. WAY earlier. I honestly can't WAIT to be in Colorado already. I will leave it at that, smile because I know my time here is short, and pray that all goes well for me til then.

On another note - I want to share the 12 Days of Christmas, Fire and Rescue Style. A loving Tribute to all those hard working Paramedic's AND EMT's out there, who very rarely get the thanks they deserve! Thanks so much guys and gals! You are indeed the reason many of us live another day!

On the First day of Christmas, my Dispatcher gave to me...

Grandma who fell and hurt her knee...

On the Second Day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me...
2 MG of Narcan for the out of work person who wants to end it all by taking her Husband's pain pills and won't tell me what she took and is feeling suicidal....

and grandma who fell and hurt her knee.

On the Third day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me....
Three stacked shocks for the 88 year old man who instead of paying the neighbor kid 5 bucks to shovel his driveway, decided to do it himself and have the big one in the driveway...

2 Mg of Narcan for the psycho chick trying to off herself...
and grandma who fell and hurt her knee..

On the Fourth day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me....

4 AM in the morning I have to go to the nursing home because someone has had the flu for like 16 years and all of a sudden needs to go to the hospital....NOW,...

Three Stacked shocks for the full arrested popsicle,
2 MG of Narcan for Morphine eating Momma...
and Grandma who fell and hurt her knee....

On the Fifth day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me...
Five minutes to eat.....

4 AM shuttle call,
Three stacked shocks,
2 MG of Narcan,
and Grandma who fell and hurt her knee....

On the Sixth Day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me....
Six run reports behind because the computer guy can't fix the system...

Five Minutes to eat!!!!!!!!!!
4 AM Shuttle,
3 zaps to the chest,
gonna have a stomach pumped,
and grandma who fell and hurt her knee...

On the Seventh day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me...Seven car pile up while everyone was trying to beat the light so they can get into Wal Mart the day after Thanksgiving thinking there is only 4 dancing Elmo Dolls...
six reports behind...

Five minutes to eat.......
4AM is way to early,
3 stacked shocks,
2 of Narcan Pushed,
and grandma who fell and hurt her knee....

On the Eighth day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me....Eight flights of steps to walk up to get the 400 pound person who is having shortness of breath since LAST Christmas and can't walk...oh, and of course, the elevator doesn't work...

7 cars a crunching,
six reports a writing,
Five minutes to eat.
4 AM shuttle,
CPR in progress,
2 MG of Narcan,
and grandma who fell and hurt her knee...

On the ninth day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me Nine blankets
needed to cover up grandpa because he is freezing and we aren't even out of the house yet but thinks he will get pneumonia and die for all of the 10 seconds we
are outside...

Eight flights of stairs,
should have stayed home and bought it off of Ebay,
six reports I'm writing...
Five minutes to eat.....
What the Hell time is it,
should have paid the kid,
2MG of Narcan,
and grandma who fell and hurt her knee.

On the Tenth Day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me...
Ten Minutes till I can get a bed in the ER because the nurses are busy figuring out who is going to lunch next....

Nine blankets needed,
Hope fire department is coming,
7 cars a crunching,
six reports I need to write,
Five minutes to eat...
Can't you wait till morning,
stick a fork in him, he's done,
Man I hope she shuts up...
and grandma who fell and hurt her knee.

On the Eleventh day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me....
Eleven times I tried to get the heat to work in the back of the truck
and maintainence won't take the truck in...

ten minutes waiting,
Nine blankets needed,
eight flights of steps to climb,
Hope you have Progressive,
Give me a new ink pen...
Five minutes to eat....
4 AM is early,
3 Leads all show he's dead,
2 MG won't touch her..
and grandma who fell and hurt her knee...

On the Twelth day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me...
a 12 Gague IV needle that I put into the drunk 19 year old who tried to swing at me...

it's really freezing,
Hope you choke on your sandwich,
9 blankets for grandpa,
How did you get up here in the first place,
man your husband is gonna be pissed,
six reports STILL down...
five minutes to eat...
Better than taking them back,
Hope I recorded the code,
Man, just pass out already...
and grandma who fell and hit her knee...

Merry Christmas!!

14 days and counting....

Today hasn't been the best of days for me. I find myself being quite irritated far too easily. Nothing in particular mind you, just all the little things. I know I shouldn't dwell on them, and yet I do. Crazy thing is, I suppose in a way it gives me something to fret about. Since, everything else is taken care of. Life is, I suppose, as it should be. The Princess Pea is doing wonderfully. Growing like a weed and doing new things every day. Her development is right on track. At least as far as I am concerned. I am doing equally as well. Health is good, stress level is down considerably. All in all, everything is going just as expected. Yet, I still find myself irritated that people, certain people, are breathing My Air. Taking valuable oxygen from my lungs. Such is an irritation that I can't help. Sorry to say. I simply am. It shall pass I know, once I am back in Colorado. Around my friends and family. Until then, I must be thankful for what I have. What is happening right now. I have a pretty decent life. I can't complain. After all, I have my bright spots. The things that make me smile. I have the Eagle, and the Princess Pea. What right have I to complain? Other then the fact it is human nature. I must remember though, the things I do not have, I do not have because of my own choosing. Not because something or someone keeps them from me. I must strive for these things on my own. Go out, and grab them with gusto. And so thinking, I shall. I will go out, get what I want and make it my own. Blissfully. 14 days and counting. 14 little days and I will be home. Are you sure you are ready?

16 days and counting

In a little more than 2 weeks, I'll be back in Colorado. I can't believe it! I honestly feel like I still have a done of stuff to do! Even though I know much of it has been accomplished already. Time certainly flies when you are having fun. I suppose I've just been too busy packing, juggling things and all that to think about what day it was. That was, until tonight. In sixteen days I will be back around my family, my friends. The people I care about. It's mind blowing. Certainly, because I've been flying around taking care of last minute details is likely why I would think that time has been flying past me without pausing. Ahh well.

16 days folks. That's all. 16 days. Are you prepared for it?

Friendships

I must admit, my mind as of late has been thinking of many things. Today, it was Friendships. Old and New. Treasured and forgotten. So many different directions to go. I wonder idly, how many friends one makes in a life time. How many of those friends are true friends? The true ones stick by you, even if they think you are crazy for doing what you do. The true ones actually care what is happening with you, or whats happened. The fair weather friends, are in it only for themselves. Only there for their own gratification. How many of my friends, or those I call Friend - are fair weather, or True? I can't say I know to be honest. I can't say who falls under what catagory. Until today, I can't say I even bothered to think about it. Yet, there it is. Some friends are silver, some are gold. To my Golden Friends - I can only say thank you for being there. Through everything. Through all the changes, the pain, the joy, the happiness. For being there to pull my butt out of the fire, or teach me how to stop and smell the roses. To those friends, I say thank you. I could not have made it to where I am without you. To the others, fair weather, I am sure you know who you are. If you choose to be a friend, a true friend...only you can change the course of events. Only you, can make the effort to speak to me, to wonder how I am for once. To talk to me before I have to make the first step. Sometimes, those steps are yours to take, and I for one, no longer wish to take them. I have tried, numerous times to patch fences. To make ammends. To what end? For in certain my trials have garnered me nothing. Except maybe yet another knife in the back. To you fair weather friends, I say thank you to what you have offered. What little you could give. Yet, I find myself also saying goodbye. Maybe someday we'll meet again, and that time, one or both of us - shall be Gold.