Idle thoughts, of an idle mind

So many things are swimming through my head. So many different thoughts. So, I come here in hopes to get them out. It seems lately one of the safest places to do so. Considering few read this blog, I'm not really shy about getting my thoughts out anymore. Besides that, they are my thoughts. They are things that tend to sit in my mind - even when told not to worry about them. So, here I shall vent. I contemplate firstly, my ability of being a Mother. I'd like to think I was a good mother. I tend to Becca every moment of every day. She wants for nothing. She needs for nothing. Yet, I feel as I am sure most mothers feel when they have a child. Invisable. Less attractive. Over worked, and certainly running on a lack of sleep! I do not mind missing sleep so much. I've found I manage myself quite well on five hours of sleep a day. Sometimes less. Then, I wonder idly on my ability as a daughter. some part of me still feels a huge failure to my own mother. Like nothing I have done, or could do will ever earn me the words " I am proud of you". I know I've touched on such before, yet there it is. Once again a shadow in the back of my mind. Perhaps it shall always haunt me. I don't know. It is a vain wish, I know. But still it is there. I wonder truthfully, what the Eagle see's in me. Oh trust me, I am grateful for whatever it is, it is simply a thought that often occurs to me. I was persistant. I was a pain in the butt. I was completely and undeniably pig headed. Yet, something about me endeared me to him for the rest of our exsistance. However long or short that may be. I worry about returning to Colorado. I've no longer the desire to get in touch with the crew I once hung out with. No wish to see any of their faces. ( and no, I'm not talking about Tiger, Sandcatt or the Bug ) I'm just not sure I have anything in common with them anymore. I've different priorities. I just don't know. I feel like right now everything is in the air - I'm just hoping in the end, it will land without crushing me.