Rainbows and Roses

While I do wish rainbows and roses for people. I don't think I meant it to come across as being worn. However , the image of the Sandcatt decked out in one or the other, or both is mildly amusing. Thank you for the smile and laughter on that one.

Tomorrow will not, however, be rainbows and roses for my Great Dane pup. She gets fixed tomorrow and while I doubt she realizes what is coming down the wire for her...I'm sure she'll hold a grudge because of it. She was mistreated anyway, and is just now coming 'out' of her shell. Realizing that myself and my husband won't hurt her. Hopefully she'll get over her grudge rather quickly and forgive me for what must be done. After all, I don't want puppies running around. No thank you.

Went to the Doctors today. Woke up and couldn't feel my left arm. I was worried that the Reynolds syndrom had returned. After all, I was diagnoised with it when I was fifteen and while only a couple years ago ( I was told I was mis-diagnoised ) it had me worried. So, better safe than sorry I went. Found out I pinched a nerve and while the Doc realigned my back to try to help ( it didn't ) I am now on a non-medicine treatment of icy hot, stretching and relaxation. Oh joy.

Well, there's my news and thoughts. Exciting wasn't it?

Is it snooping?

In my search on the web, something done simply to pass the time I ran across my Mothers live journal. Now, I know it's not really snooping, since it is posted ONLINE. However I couldn't help but feel guilty about reading it and her not knowing. I read, and read. I went into archives and read even more. Strangely enough, I am mentioned a couple times. And each time in semi good context.

I can agree with her in one thing however - Why our family manages to get along. To be close at all is something that boggles the mind. After everything we've been through, put each other through, we still manage to love each other and if nothing else tolerate each other when we need to. I am fortunate to have the family I do have. Even if it is strange, crazy and half the time dysfunctional. Alright, so it's mostly dysfunctional.

I find myself missing them all quite dearly as my due date approaches. Mainly because the birth of a child is supposed ot be around family and friends. I am in Ohio with very few of either. My only perk is that come Christmas I will be in Colorado for a visit and everyone will get to see me and my baby.

My biological brother - Erinn - the one the Otter has a crush on, says he wants to come out closer to when the baby is due. Of course, I'm not holding my breath quite yet. He said He was coming out last time and never made it. I only heard from him AFTER Otter chewed him out. How unfair is that?

My thoughts are still very much so with my brother Tiger, Sandcatt and the Otter. I hope each are doing well and are happy. They all deserve all that life can give them. All the rainbows and roses they can stand.

I suppose that's the minutes. Take care and blessings to you all.

Two Weeks

Two weeks and counting til there will be a new life brought into the world.
Truthfully, I'm still scared and excited. Worried about the pain I know will come with labor. So, I'm in no rush to go into labor, at least not for that reason. I can't wait to not be pregnant anymore. Get my body back, be able to EAT things I want to eat. Do things I'd like to do.

Heard from my friends Vic and Aileen today. Poor Vic lost his mother to cancer. Which I was horribly sorry to hear. She will be missed. But now she is in a better place with no more pain.

That's the minutes I suppose.

Your turn.

Baby Dog

Today I had to put my dog Baby down. She was having so many problems, and she wasn't eating and barely drinking. She wasn't making it outside to go to the bathroom. And, she was old. So, I made the choice after much debate and while I know she is in a better place now - I really will miss her. She was a good dog.

My support during this time however is Susie - the Great Dane pup my husband brought home. Fortunately she's attached to me and very protective of me. So, my attention can be focused on her as the only dog.

Part of me thinks that Baby being sick and old like she was, is part of the reason my husband brought Susie home. Someone to keep me company when it was finally time to let go of Baby.

She will be missed. I pray she finds better fields in her new life. That many bones and treats will be hers.

I wonder

Thoughts have been raging through my head since my conversation with my little sister. Mainly because if what she feels is true, then we are in for a world of shock. Mainly, her biological father. Now I'm not saying the man is cream of the crop by any means. Infact, I can't remember much about him I actually liked. However, He is my little sisters biological father and therefore she should be allowed to meet him and form her own opinion of the man. Good or bad.

The Otter has a right to know who her father is. A right to see Him. To judge him on her own. Like I did with my biological father. Now, mind you in the end my father wasn't much of one. Nor did He bother to keep in touch when He was alive. Now that He has passed however, I wish he and I had had more time. If only so I could make up my own mind about him without anyones input. The Otter has that right. Not to be told the man is 'dead' if he truly isn't. Not to be hidden away from someone who carries her blood. Someone who could tell her if nothing else her heritage and bloodline. Medical things. If nothing else of course.

But then there is the wishful thinking of my mother. If she doesn't want contact with someone, such as her daughters father, then that man is 'dead' and not worth talking about. Not worth trying to explain and therefore just another dark secret.

Whatever happens, I hope the right choices are made. For EVERYONE involved. But mainly for my little sister. She might still be a kid, but even a kid has rights.

Memoirs

Last night I fell prey to watching Memoirs of a Geisha. Damn good movie, but then again it's also a chick flick and being a chick I'm prone to liking it. The scary thing is, that during certain moments in the movie I could look into my own life and compare. To sit there and say at one point in time I felt like that, was intimidating to say the least. However, two hours later the movie was over and surprisingly I wasn't crying! Though in the beginning I thought I might do just that. If you haven't seen it, I would recommend it. That is, if you don't mind chick flicks and all.

Reading through posts and blogs of those I care for, I only snicker and smile. For certainly the Tiger has watched from afar. However, I never quite considered Him being close to the Otter. Of course, that's because all I remember when I think of those two together is her throwing a tantrum and Tiger having 'gotten enough' putting in his own two cents. Needless to say, the Otter didn't scream for the rest of the day. While all us 'older' people were in the living room trying very hard not to bust a button with laughter. We managed it. Somehow.

I have no doubt that everyone has their own lives back there in Colorado. A life I walked out of for my numerous reasons. A life that I don't intend on rushing back to anytime soon. At least, not for the long haul. Christmas is one thing, forever is another. There is little reason for me to return and stay in Colorado anymore. I've made my friends, and enemies. Yet it's both I leave behind for the chance at happiness. A happy I've not known in a few years. Not since Matt. I think I deserve that.

Then again, most people think they deserve something, when they really do not.

A new day...Mothers Day

How absolutely odd. This morning I got a call from my half brother- Erinn. Who wished me a Happy Mothers day, and then went on to tell me He wants to be around when I have the baby. I'm not quite sure what to think. After all, He was supposed to come down a couple weekends ago, and I just now hear that He got lost and didn't have the gas to make it.

Last night, I talked with my sister and Grandma, and they both wished me a Happy Mothers day. It's weird, mainly because I didn't know when such a title would be mine. While having a child does indeed make me a Mother genetically, it won't make me one where it counts. I pray I do a better job then my own mother. For personal reasons as well as logical.

It's strange to say the least to have yet one more holiday that is mine to celebrate. And not just for my own mother and Grandmother. I'm not quite sure what to make of it yet. But then, I suppose it's perfectly natural to sit and ponder the universe when you are bringing life into it.

Moving on - all is well here. From My oldest pet, Baby. To the youngest ( and largest ) Susie. I'm still waiting on that e-mail from Tiger. Darn Him. And wondering why no one else has posted on their blogs. Come on people!! I need something to read!!

Hmm

I wonder if I have to go kick in some blond butt or if it was a mutual thing that simply didn't work out. Cause I'm close enough to kick her to and fro for a bit. And pregnant or not, I wouldn't mind doing so. Though mainly for my own reasons.

Yes, I moved to Ohio. Plenty of reasons for that.

One - The gentleman living with my mother ( not her husband ) made my life less than bearable.

Two - My mother and her opinions on the way I was living my life were no longer welcome.

Three - Cheaper housing, better paying jobs.

Four - Home ownership. Yes, that's right, I own my own home. I am -cough- a responsible adult.

Five - Colorado was stressing me out. In more ways than what is listed here.

Doesn't it just figure that when I move to try and get closer to someone I love, i.e. the Tiger, He up and goes back to Colorado. One day I'll get this right !!

Wow...or should I say Hazzzah?

Sometimes posting on this thing has led me to deep contemplative wells. Searching mind and heart for answers that choose not to come. So I turn here and pray another can answer those questions that were never put voice to, or only just found. Now I find myself asking this of my brother -

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?

Understandably He might choose not to post such a story on here. So I give to Him my e-mail - and pray He uses it wisely HA!

DesertBlades@verizon.net

I have missed the Great Tiger in my life, once more for too long. Had I known He was leaving Ohio, around the time I came up here...I would have given to him my spare room. -poke- However, fate plays it's game in mysterious ways. I hope He never forgot that despite my anger towards him, I have always loved him. Seperation is such a pain.

Just Wondering

I find myself wondering what happened to certain people in my life. Past and Present. The one man I would call my 'Dad', obviously not my biological Father, has been M.I.A. for quite some time. I know when I last saw him, He was suffering cancer. My fear, is that He has passed on to the 'happy hunting ground'. Jim was a great man. Funny, Intelligent, had great taste.

Then there is Bear. A.K.A. Ken. I know from His mother ( because I managed to hang onto some addresses ) that He is no longer with us. Apparently God punched His ticket and said His time was up. Fortunately I know before He went that He got married and enjoyed His life. He will be missed by those who knew him.

Then there is my adopted Mom. Lady Summer. I haven't spoken to her much these past years. A fault all my own to be sure. I'm horrid at keeping touch with those who have touched my heart. I can only pray she is doing well. That she is happy and healthy.

Toss in the wayward adopted 'brother' Tiger. Who moved to Ohio and even though I am in the same state with him, I can't seem to contact him whatsoever. A shame really, because after he and I got back in touch with each other we promised that we wouldn't lose touch again. Shame is, we've done just that and I find myself angry at Him for not keeping His end of the deal. After all, I've called and written to the address where I knew He was staying. Yet I hear nothing in return. Perhaps I am only 'sister' when He needs me. I don't know.

I guess in my own way I regret losing touch with these people. For each of them touched me in a way that no other has. They helped me, they guided me, they gave me advice and loved me for who I was and am. I was lucky to have each of them in my life at one point or another. I only wish I could talk to them again. Even if just for one moment. To say Thank you.

But then again, I might just be crazy and sentimental.

Right?

Sage Advice

Most of the advice I've gotten has been very helpful. I must thank the Catt for His. Though I know He will never be a Father ( due to choice I am sure ) He has alot of good thoughts when it comes to children. Perhaps that is because He's watched so many kids get so messed up by their parents. Who knows.

I don't desire to raise my child anything like my mother raised me. That isn't to say she didn't do the best she could with the knowledge she had...it's just to say that every 'new' parent tells themselves they will do better then their parents did. That they won't do certain things. That they'll listen, watch over, love and keep their kids. Raising them til the day they are able to walk out the door on their own and forge their own path in life.

I have gotten, as gifts, all the " What to Expect " books. From pregnancy onward to the toddler years. Already, without the kid even being born I find them to be valuable sources of information. Plus, thanks to my Grandmother as well as the mother in law I am getting magazines that offer advice and commentary for the new mother. They too are helpful. But all these are just idea's and things that other people have done. In the end, I'll have to decide what works best for me, and my family.

As for friends with children. I have a couple. One friend ( who I am the Godmother of her two girls ) I thought would have hellion children. Being that she was rowdy in her years. However, never have I seen two more well behaved, well mannered, well cared for kids. Then we bring in the two I thought would have perfect children. Being that the mother was raised with manners. And I must admit, never have I seen more spoiled rotten, bratty children in my life. Not even my little sister growing up was as bad as these two. Already I've seen what to do in certain circumstances, and what not to do. But again, I suppose that's all based on view.


On another note, I found out about my little sisters hospital stay. Though when she told me I didn't quite get everything she was trying to say. Mainly because I don't think she rememebered everything that happened. I hope that all her Doctors appointments go as they should and they pronounce her once more healthy. But, as we all know, she will always be a heart patient. Even when we think she's doing just fine...her ticker could be something completely different. But, she is as always, in my thoughts and prayers.

I suppose that's all I can say on both matters for the time being. Though I thank everyone for their advice. I will definately keep that all in mind....Just remember this in parting....

It is never wise to play leap frog with a Unicorn.

Wondering -

Ok, so it's a new day. A new month. And not long until I'm officially a Mother. I find myself scared and excited all at once. Scared because I don't want to mess this up. Excited because this is part of me. This is a new life. I try not to dwell on it, but now and then my mind certainly wonders which of these things I might do. Mess up her life, which most children think their parents have done at one point or another. Or, spoil her so much ( because I only plan on having one ) that she turns into a little brat. Neither of these things do I want to do, but doesn't every new parent make a mistake at one point or another?

Moving on - I have a new addition to the family. My husband brought home a Great Dane. She's six months old, and extremely timid. She's 'learning' what a leash is. I fear she was never on one. I think she was probably just left outside for most of her puppy-hood. She's sweet though, and though I hate the name, she answers to Susie.

Can't say I have anything else to report. SSDD as the saying goes. Yippee!