Another one?

Behold, yet another of those age old friends contacts me. Ebert. This friend contacting me ( via e-mail ) makes me happy. There were many times that Ebert was my rock. My one source of constant. He was unwavering, gentle..yet fierce if need be. He and I grew up alot the same way, only instead of doing what I did, He bottled it all up. For the first time in years, he told me that he was able to know himself better because of me. There is a poem, that says some friends are silver, some friends are Gold. I believe Ebert is a golden one. Simply because of his caring, His want to listen and help anyway he can. I'm thankful to hear from him. To hear that even though He is out of the Marine Corps, His life is going well for him. Going to college, teaching high school, and mentoring a sixth grader. All of these are things I know Ebert would excel at. He's always been good at listening. He's always had the compassion that most men lack. Truly, I am thrilled everything has worked out so good for him. I can only hope we will continue to keep in contact. Losing touch with those you care about sucks. I definately don't want to lose contact with him again. It's been years already that have been lost. Though I'm sure we'll make up for the lost time somehow.

How odd

This month has been a very weird month for me. It's like I won the lotto and everyone I know is coming out of the woodwork. First - the ex husband. Which was weird enough. Though I'm thankful that little kink worked itself out. Then, shortly after Him, or was it before him?, an old friend from High School got in contact with me. Jamie. She and I used to be really close. Able to do just about anything together. Heck, she nicknamed me " Mommy Maegan " years ago. She's yet another of my 'friends' that most people didn't like. Though I'm sure in her case it was more the path she'd chosen at the time, than personality or anything else. Anyway, I'm not quite sure what will happen there. I'm not sure if we are able to 'pick up' where we left off or if we need to start new. Or even if we should go down the friendship road again. I haven't actually -seen- her since shortly after my God Daughter Ashley was born. So, that's nearly 5 - 6 years or so. Right now I'm taking it as it comes. If she feels like talking to me, I'm here. If not, that's cool too. But all this ' past catching up with me ' has me wondering what's next. If anything. Who else can climb out of the darkened pit that I had nearly forgotten and say hello once more? I'm not sure. Whoever it is, I hope they realize that it's all a shock to me. Needless to say, we'll see where Jamie and I go. If this is just a touching base making sure we're still alive kind of deal, or if it's more. I have no hopes either way. I'm just glad for what is.

I hate the phone company

You know, it all started because I wanted DSL. Well shame on me. They told me I could have it. Come to find out, I can't. It's 'not in my area'. Then, when I call and request a second phone line ( for online purposes ) they say no problem, a tech will be out during the week. 3 weeks later...I finally get a tech out here. But NOT for my second phone line. It's because my first one went down. While he was here, He took care of the second phone line ( thank god ). Then ever since then, My phone line goes out for NO reason! All I can say, is that the phone company sucks and if they think I'm paying their phone bill for this month, when I've had full service for all of ten days, they are STONED! And I'm not talkin' the oh my god, the ground is moving where do I live stoned either. The putz's!

Alrighty

After much cleaning and mental relaxation. I decided once more to post on this wonderous blog. That, and after reading my kid sisters I feel that I am right in worrying about her. Things never change, and that is for certain. No matter how much you think they did. No matter how many times you've stepped in and said anything - it doesn't change. Still life goes on how they think it does. Still they push and pull until you are at breaking point. I only hope that the Bug is strong enough to live through this..mentally as well as physically. It makes me wonder how they can sit there and wonder why they lost a great deal of their friends. Why they can no longer keep in touch with those they claimed to once care about. Instead of looking at themselves, they think everyone else is at fault. They believe, truly, that they haven't done anything wrong. Yet, those of us who know them..know better. I strive to try and not worry so much about the Bug. Alas, I know I do. It's a sister thing I suppose. Or, it could be that I took care of her for so many years. I just don't know which it is. Nevertheless, I hope one day they wake up and realize it is due to their own actions that they sit alone and contemplate life. That they have none whom they can count on. All because they spent their younger years stepping all over those who once cared.

So it was...so it is

Well, at least one thing can be said. Sandcatt - was right. People rarely apologize for something unless their life is going downhill. Men particularly. Why do I say this now? Because, the lonesome ex confessed that on May 2nd he goes to court for sentencing. For what? I haven't a clue. Only what he wrote in letter number 2. I must say I wish I knew what He did this time. But, at least I know where I stand. His contact with me, was simply a mode to try and repent perhaps, or maybe bring something sparkling into His life for a brief time. I don't want to be the sparkly, and have no intention of sending him anything in reply. Not knowing now what I should have known then. Age has it's way of waking a person up, of opening their eyes to the true colors of people. Thankfully, I not only have the glory of being older and wiser ( HA! ) I also have people like Sandcatt to give wonderful advice. Now, I don't want to hear any ' I told you so's ' but I know there is going to be at least one. But hey, at least I wasn't dumb enough to reply...right?

Shoot me

Whatever happened to respecting your elders? Being polite in someone elses home or fearing the belt or switch when you got home? Are today's children that ill mannered? What ever happened to good old fashioned spankings? Or don't people believe in that anymore? I tell you, I would love to be able to look at these people and tell them if their children can't behave, they cannot be in my home. Unfortunately, the Husband seems to want them around. Therefore I suppose I have to put up with it with held tongue. It sucks. Because all I want to do is SCREAM!!!!

Well

After much thought, contemplation and soul searching ( not that I had to look hard ) I've decided to simply ignore what came my way. Indeed, it would seem most people contact me when their lives have gone down the tube. I'm not exactly sure that's a good thing mind you. But it seems to be the way things work for me. I don't know alot of things - but what I do know is that what He did is unforgiveable. That any trust I once had for Him has long since been shattered and that I cannot allow that kind of fickle behavior in my life anymore. He is part of my past - and will remain so. But truly, because His actions placed him there. Thank you all kindly for your advice. It helped me a great deal with this matter.

Mmmk

Most definately thank you for such sound advice. I've always known, at least since my split with Him that He was less than faithful from the get go. After all, I never could figure out why He would sleep with anyone else when He had me in His bed. Nevertheless, I know most of what He says is smoke. Nothing more than something to confuse me. However, in the letter He sent, He did say something He's never said prior - That He's sorry He screwed things up. Perhaps age does mellow people. Now, this doesn't mean I am going to go rushing off and messing up the rather Good life I have now for some jackass...it just means that I am surprised He had the testicular fortitude to apologize for something He did. And, the part of me that was still very much so hurt by His actions - is thankful He said His sorries. Does that make me a bad person?

Oh boy...

So today in the mail, I get something I'm rather shocked by. It would seem I've been tracked down by my ex. Now, while that list is somewhat staggering - this is the ex that cheated on me with a 'friend' of mine. Naturally, I refuse to hide such evidence and even invite Foo to read it. Perhaps I did the wrong thing, perhaps I should have kept it hidden away and in that secret vault of my mind and heart. But truly, I have no doubt that I changed colors quickly. Being that the blood drained from my face! He says He misses me. That He loves me. That that's never changed. Why is it that now He feels he can tell me these things - when He couldn't do so years ago? When He couldn't, or didn't, want to save our relationship. Why is it men realize all too late what they had? Dear gods. Further more, why do they seek to imply themselves where they used to be, but no longer are? He says His life has gone down the drain. For which I am truly sorry for. Although He hurt me, possibly in the worst way anyone can be hurt, I never wished Him to have a bad life. I simply wanted for Him to make up His mind. Whatever that came to. So, question is dear viewers - What do I do now?!

So it goes

As always, spinning around and around. Making one wonder when the ride will come to a stop yet praying that it lasts just a while longer because you are having so much fun! It was another beautiful day here in Hicksville. Sun was shining, birds were singing, squirrels were attacking my acorn tree. Fortunately, being Sunday, most people were gone away to church. A thing I still haven't accepted as the norm. Probably because I haven't actively gone to church since I was like eight. I keep meaning to explore the churches around here, for indeed there are some old buildings and no doubt older thoughts. However, each time I think that I will go and do it, I fail to do so. Go figure. Instead, I spent the day cleaning the house. Amazing how dirty it gets over the course of a week. Amazing how much laundry piles up and how many dishes there are to do. Not to mention running the dog out and making sure all the animals have exactly what they need to survive another day. My routine hasn't changed much since I moved into this house. I get up, have a nice drink of tea or apple juice, maybe even water if the mood strikes me. Then I wander around and water the plants. Though that doesn't take long, since I didn't get to move all of my plants from Colorado. Then I turn around and feed and water the cats and dog. They enjoy this time and already ( since I get up around 9:30 or so ) they are wanting their food. Not to mention each of my animals is on a special diet. The dog only gets 2 cups of food. She's overweight and if I don't do that for her, she might not be able to walk in another year. Though she's already 75% deaf. Then there is Nemisis - He can't have any dairy. Go figure, I get the one feline out of a petstore that can't have any dairy. He's allergic. Raised on soy. Freak that he is. Then there is Mozart. My albino siamese who is deaf ( completely ) and partially blind. Not to mention he lacks depth perception. ( weirdo ) and since He's an old cat, He gets moist food. His teeth can't seem to chew the hard stuff. Then there is Kurai ( my husbands ) who doesn't like anything that isn't sea food flavored. Won't eat it unless it tastes like tuna or some sea faring creature. ( Maybe she was a lesbian at one point in time? ) So, there you have it. Rambling from the Carnalopey. About absolutely nothing. But it is part of my life. So deal with it. HA!

Ahem....

Yes, yes indeed my mother is crazy. But then, we all knew that. However, in effort to respond to my darling sisters commentary, I figured I would post again. HA! I still think bars are bad places for you to be. My opinion mind you, but that's ok. No, you aren't out of your teen angst phase. You are still dying your hair all sorts of different colors, you write sad poetry and you don't like listening to your parents. It's all part of Teen Angst. This doesn't make it a problem, it is simply part of life. As far as you living with John and myself. Yes, you still may. Just remember our deal. You live here, you either have a job, or are in college. That's the deal you struck months ago. No, I have yet to get any letters. It's like I write and write and write and no one cares to respond!! I hate that. It kind of makes me sad. Eventually though, I hope to see these infamous letters. I'd like that certainly. Many thanks to the Catt for taking care of the Bug. I'm surprised she's not squished yet, but you've always had a kind heart. Despite the fact you say you do it simply because my mother's crazy. Admit it, you like us. HAHA!!!

Oh dear

I find myself worrying more and more about my little sister. Why? Because she's growing up in the same house that I did. I worry for her mental sanity, for truthfully I had to go to a shrink many times to simply 'cope' with the way things were for me growing up. Now, admittedly my sister has something I grew up without. An actual Father, but that doesn't make her life any different from my own. Every now and then I wonder why my Mother went ahead and had kids. I'm not sure that she wanted to be a Mother, I just think it happened. I think she played cards with the hand she was dealt and managed it. Did I grow up without rules? Heavens no. Did I lack chores? No, sometimes I took care of the whole house. Laundry, Cooking, and taking care of my little sister. I think I grew up much faster then I needed to by a long shot. Be it because of my Mother, or because of things that happened to me. There are things I will never forgive her for, but unlike my sister I had a support system. Most of my Mother's friends rescued me from her house numerous times. I'm not sure if that happens for my sister. Perhaps it does and I am unaware. For her sake, I hope it does. I hope she's shown that life is better then she thinks it to be. I know the age she's at is a hard one. Hormones. Troubles. Mental anguish. The whole Teen Angst thing. I remember it well, yet due to life I had to place most of that aside for later years and be 'grown up'. My choice, or hers? It hardly matters anymore. What matters is that my kid sister is ok. That people are helping her 'get out' and 'get away' as often as possible. I know that helped me. More then I can ever express to those that saved me from such things. Bless them. And if there are those doing so for my sister - Bless them too. Without them, I have no doubt we would have turned out much, much worse.

Yeah, I know

Alright, so I needed to be smacked for asking such a blatantly stupid question. I earned that one. Indeed, if advice is something sought, then I will offer it. Though I still curse the stupidity of Sister in Laws. I didn't just get one mind you, I got two of em. Yikes.

Today - I haven't done much. Picked up the house. Made sure all my Doctors appointments are as they should be. And, made a Baby Gift Registry at Walmart.com. After all, new baby is going to need stuff to use right?

Personally, I can't wait for the pregnancy part to be overwith. Mind you, I lost 30 pounds in the first three months. Which took me from about 180 to about 150 or so. I am only now about 175. What the Doctors consider a good weight to START from. Not to end on. According to them, anyway. My height and all that means I can gain more weight. I don't get Doctors. I really don't.

A thought

Have you ever wanted to look at someone and ask them what the hell they were thinking when they decided something? Take for example my sister in law - she's already shy a few watts in the upstairs and now she has this wonderful dream that her and her ex husband ( who raped her ) are going to get back together and live happily ever after! Did I mention her ex husband is also a convicted child molester? I truly want to smack this woman stupid. Worse, she's 34 years old. You would THINK she'd know better. You would think that once bitten with her ex husband would mean she wouldn't go back! They've been divorced for 10 years now. That's right, 10 years. So the question remains, to Smack - or Not to Smack.

Hmm...

It occurs to me, that people come to me for advice. Perhaps they figure I am the fountain of knowledge. Or perhaps it's that they know I might say something completely off the wall on the subject at hand. Or maybe, they realize the life I have lead, the hardships I've had to endure and triumph over, and figure I am the best on for the job. Whatever the reason, I find myself wondering if the advice I give is heartfelt and honest. If indeed, were I stuck in that situation, if I would take the advice I am giving out. I would say 7 out of 10 times I would indeed take that advice, were it to be given. Though most times, I am in all honesty, too stubborn to ask for such advice. Though I thank those of you who've given it so freely in a hope to help me out with some problem or another. Now, I ask you this - is it wise to give out advice, knowing it probably won't be taken. Or, should I simply remove myself and no longer give out that advice even though it is sought after. I am, in truth, at an empass. I am truly not sure where to go with this.

Another day

Today hasn't been an overly busy day. At least not truly. Sometime around 2 - 3 my washer and dryer get delievered and installed. Thank God. No more lugging laundry all over creation to get it done. YAY! Cleaned the kitchen, a task that I try to complete each day after the nights cooking adventure. Been trying new foods, or at least new types of food. So, it's always interesting to see what I come up with. Swiffered the floors, having hard wood rocks. No need for a vaccum in this house folks. Just take your shoes off at the door and spare me having to sweep every day instead of every other. Wrist is feeling better, that or it's just nerve dead from being in a splint. I'm only supposed to remove the splint during sleep. Yet doing things that require mobility make me desire to take it off. HA! Other than that, just another 'normal' day in Hicksville. S.S.D.D. as the saying goes. Got the new Drizzt book. Loving it. But then, something about Drizzt is just begging for you to read and not put the book down. So far, I've passed out two nights in a row reading it. YAY! That's the minutes, so to speak.

Oh fun!!

Last night I took a tumble on a patch of ice letting out the dog. This morning, at my Doctor appointment ( for the baby ) I had them take a look at my wrist...and joy of joys, they say I fractured it. So, right now I am typing with a wrist splint on. And it certainly isn't any fun!! I tell ya, I may not have ever broken any bones in my body - but I've fractured just about all of them I can think of. No wonder Doc's say I have 'strong' bones.

Justice

( Picture by Linsner )
Perhaps one day I will see this form of Justice. Perhaps not. Either way, after much contemplation I know in my heart that the only person I need to make happy is me. Funny thing is, that's why I married Foo. He's been my friend, and a good friend, for nearly a decade. He's been there for me when I thought I had no one else. He's always remembered my birthday, never forgotten my favorite drink, food or song. He knows me, I think, better then I know myself at times. I've loved him for a very long time. It came to be realized when I finally stopped caring what my mother thought. She still hates Him. I know she does despite the letter I got. I know in her heart, she will never come to fully accept Him as part of our family. I wish I knew the full reason behind her distrust and dislike of someone who has always been there for me. Foo isn't a bad person. He takes care of what is His. Family comes first - a huge thing for me. He wants a brighter tomorrow, whatever that might mean. Because of my mother I've kept Him at arms length and always, tried to date men I thought my mother would approve of. Scary thing is, I no longer care if she approves in my tastes or desires. I no longer care if she approves of my choices or fancies. I care what tomorrow might bring. Be it rain or shine, sun or snow.

To Quote a line in an old movie, twisting it slightly to fit this circumstance -
She has no power over me.

Believe.....

Truly, to believe in myself is something often taken for granted. I know I can accomplish anything I put my mind to. I know I am a good person, and if people took the time to get to know me they would realize that. I am a good friend to those that call me friend. I've tried to be a good sibling to those of my siblings that desire something to do with me.

I know I need no one elses approval to do something. Nor do I need their happiness that I achieved whatever something I put my mind to.

But is it wrong to want to rub my published works in my mothers face?

Is this anger, vengence or sheer malice that makes me crave to do so?

Publishing Work

I always wanted to be able to take something I'd written. Something I've poured my heart and soul into, to my mother and show her ' Look. Look what I accomplished '. I can't remember a time when I didn't feel like a complete and total failure to my mother. Like everything I did was wrong in some way. Perhaps that started with birth. I nearly killed her being born. My father split on us, no doubt because I wasn't the Son he wanted. I was her thorn for at least 16 years of my life..and I can't remember once her looking at me and saying she was proud of me. I think that's something every child wants to hear. Way to go - Good Job - I'm proud of you. Out of everyone in my family, her pride in me is something I've tried constantly to achieve. And seemingly constantly failed to do. I've failed her in numerous ways. I know I have. I failed her when she told me I'd never do better then when I married Sandcatt. I failed her when I divorced Him and lost her as my mother for a time because of it. I failed her by not being able to take care of her. I failed her somedays, by simply breathing.

I owe, alot of my survival to people she once called friend. And some she still does call friend. Sandcatt, Tiger, Hawk. Yet, even their pride in me. Their happiness at times in knowing me or being around me, and yes even their anger at me...was never enough. I wanted my mother to look at me and tell me she was proud.

Maybe one day I will achieve publishing my work. But pride in myself still seems to come at a second hand to the Pride I desire to see shining in my mothers eyes.

A couple Lopey original's

Untitled -

So do I dream of his touches, live for kisses from cupids bow. The scent of him maddens me - and yet I sit apart from him - drowning in faith, love, devotion. A Venus in her shell, undiscovered.
So do I dream of him - my angel of darkness.
Eternal kisses mine to claim. This is my heartsongto him - muted- uncontrollable, undeniable. To him I plead, take me, break me. I am yours.
Will he hear me? My heartsong of truth, or will he walk brazenly by - deaf to my pleas, my cries, or will he sweep me into strong arms and love me faithfully. Whispering that he's mine eternally?


Bliss on Wings


I wish - often enough my heart aches - dripping with blood of promises broken. Angel's wings limp, without effort to fly. Tears streak down milky cheeks - staining flesh crimson.
Child of the night - unkissed by sunlights charms.

I wish - for the coming of him. My other half, my soul mate.
I can taste him - salty flesh begging for unyielding kisses. Tongue tip dances - circling taut buds of dusky hue, and yet I'm restless. Seeking new ways to make him quiver - succumb to me my love.
I wish - for the coming of him - the day when wings rise upward.


And those are my thoughts for the day. True as they are, and have been since the many years ago I wrote them for Him. Most who know me, know who He is...and those that do not need not know the depth of my heart past these two poems. They are, my Heartsong. My joy and grief. They have been with me since the beginning and shall be with me until the end. Perhaps that is why I am currently working with a publisher huh? Tell me what you guys think - if you've any opinions that is.

Oops

After talking to my Grandmother, I realized something. I missed her 50th wedding anniversary. Which was Febuary 4th. Now, mind you I had my excuses. One - I had just moved into a new house. Second - I had no phone at the time, so there is no way I could have called to wish them well. Third - Buying a new house taps you out on fundage, so I couldn't even buy them a card. Fourth - Pregnancy brain struck again, and all in all I honestly forgot. Now, funny thing is, is that she isn't mad at me for it. However, my mother and uncle forgetting ( since they are her children ) caused a small sore with my Grandmother. Truly, I must find someway to make this up to her. Not their forgetting, because there is nothing I can do on that front. But I can fix me forgetting. Any ideas?