14 days and counting....

Today hasn't been the best of days for me. I find myself being quite irritated far too easily. Nothing in particular mind you, just all the little things. I know I shouldn't dwell on them, and yet I do. Crazy thing is, I suppose in a way it gives me something to fret about. Since, everything else is taken care of. Life is, I suppose, as it should be. The Princess Pea is doing wonderfully. Growing like a weed and doing new things every day. Her development is right on track. At least as far as I am concerned. I am doing equally as well. Health is good, stress level is down considerably. All in all, everything is going just as expected. Yet, I still find myself irritated that people, certain people, are breathing My Air. Taking valuable oxygen from my lungs. Such is an irritation that I can't help. Sorry to say. I simply am. It shall pass I know, once I am back in Colorado. Around my friends and family. Until then, I must be thankful for what I have. What is happening right now. I have a pretty decent life. I can't complain. After all, I have my bright spots. The things that make me smile. I have the Eagle, and the Princess Pea. What right have I to complain? Other then the fact it is human nature. I must remember though, the things I do not have, I do not have because of my own choosing. Not because something or someone keeps them from me. I must strive for these things on my own. Go out, and grab them with gusto. And so thinking, I shall. I will go out, get what I want and make it my own. Blissfully. 14 days and counting. 14 little days and I will be home. Are you sure you are ready?

16 days and counting

In a little more than 2 weeks, I'll be back in Colorado. I can't believe it! I honestly feel like I still have a done of stuff to do! Even though I know much of it has been accomplished already. Time certainly flies when you are having fun. I suppose I've just been too busy packing, juggling things and all that to think about what day it was. That was, until tonight. In sixteen days I will be back around my family, my friends. The people I care about. It's mind blowing. Certainly, because I've been flying around taking care of last minute details is likely why I would think that time has been flying past me without pausing. Ahh well.

16 days folks. That's all. 16 days. Are you prepared for it?

Friendships

I must admit, my mind as of late has been thinking of many things. Today, it was Friendships. Old and New. Treasured and forgotten. So many different directions to go. I wonder idly, how many friends one makes in a life time. How many of those friends are true friends? The true ones stick by you, even if they think you are crazy for doing what you do. The true ones actually care what is happening with you, or whats happened. The fair weather friends, are in it only for themselves. Only there for their own gratification. How many of my friends, or those I call Friend - are fair weather, or True? I can't say I know to be honest. I can't say who falls under what catagory. Until today, I can't say I even bothered to think about it. Yet, there it is. Some friends are silver, some are gold. To my Golden Friends - I can only say thank you for being there. Through everything. Through all the changes, the pain, the joy, the happiness. For being there to pull my butt out of the fire, or teach me how to stop and smell the roses. To those friends, I say thank you. I could not have made it to where I am without you. To the others, fair weather, I am sure you know who you are. If you choose to be a friend, a true friend...only you can change the course of events. Only you, can make the effort to speak to me, to wonder how I am for once. To talk to me before I have to make the first step. Sometimes, those steps are yours to take, and I for one, no longer wish to take them. I have tried, numerous times to patch fences. To make ammends. To what end? For in certain my trials have garnered me nothing. Except maybe yet another knife in the back. To you fair weather friends, I say thank you to what you have offered. What little you could give. Yet, I find myself also saying goodbye. Maybe someday we'll meet again, and that time, one or both of us - shall be Gold.

Upgraded

Alright, I've upgraded to the 'new' blogger method. Maybe now they'll stop bugging me so much every time I try to put a post on this dang thing about updating. Of course, that's just my wishful thinking. HA!

Another day has gone by, another few boxes packed away to be put on a truck and moved to Colorado. Personally, I can't wait. To be around my family again. To be around the usual insanity of them...it's a bright blessing for me. Once more, they open doors and hearts for me. Something I'm sure they tire of. I try to be of help to them, yet most times I simply fail in that effort. Nevertheless, they are there for me now, and that is certainly what counts. I've honestly missed them all. From being able to talk to my best friend, who happens also to be my Grandmother. To seeing my mothers latest thrilling read or, latest tangent. Knowing that the Bug will be around to annoy me endlessly. Heck, I even get to see my cousin! Definately something I can't wait for. I haven't seen him in awhile. What, at least a year or so? I can't remember. I just know it's been awhile. Time changes everything. From the way the road curves to the mountains that greet us when we look out our window as we pass by. Everything changes, and in this - so have I.

I have shifted from being the Leopard who wanted nothing more than to be happy. From the selfish, uncaring wench that I once was. With ( I am told ) a horrible attitude. To a Mother. To someone who has something more important than themselves to look after. To take care of. I always wanted to be a mother, and now I am. The sheer amount of joy in knowing that I brought that little girl into the world. That my arms were the first arms to hold her when she cried. That my lips, were the first to brush her tiny brow - these are things, memories that no one can take from me. No one can possible know my joy. As for each person, such joy is different. I know I am a good mother. I know I may be considered overprotective. I know that I have my rules and ways. I just hope that each of them, is right for my daughter...and likewise for me. The choices I make now, no longer impact only me. They impact the Pea. That, is something I will forever more have to take into account. Forever more, I shall have to remember that there is something more spectacular out there than anything else someone, anyone could offer me. My Precious Daughter. My pretty in Pink, Princess Pea.

Survey Says?!

Ok, normally I wouldn't post something like this on my Blog - however, it struck me as something to do tonight. Deal with it. If you feel the need, e-mail it back to me. If you want to comment on it, feel free. If not, oh well. It's just for fun. Right?


1. FIRST NAME? Maegan
2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? No
3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? November 22, 2006
4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Not really.
5 WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Ham
6. KIDS? Yes, a daughter
7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Yes.
8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? Yes.
9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Perhaps
10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes.
11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Nope.
12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Golden Grahams
13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Yes
14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Yes.
15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Rocky Road
16. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Eyes .
17. RED OR PINK? Pink!
18. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My butt.
19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My Grandmother
20. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? Sure!.
21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Pink plaid pants, no shoes
22. THE LAST THING YOU ATE? A frozen pizza.
23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Cars ( the movie )
24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Grass Green
25. FAVORITE SMELL? Clean dirt, Cinnamon Apples
26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My sister
27. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Yeah
28. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DRINK? Coke
29. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? Baseball
30. HAIR COLOR? Red
31. EYE COLOR? Green
32. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No
33. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? Scary movies
34. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Yours, Mine and Ours.
35. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Gray
36. HUGS OR KISSES? Kisses
37. FAVORITE DESSERT? Cheesecake!!.
38. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Not sure
39. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Not sure
40. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? A romance novel
41. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? My mouse?
42. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST ON TV? as in TV show? Umm, Law and Order
43. FAVORITE SOUNDS? I don't know.
44. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Neither.
45. THE FURTHEST YOU BEEN FROM HOME? I went to Canada, does that count?
46. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? Yes
47. WHEN WERE YOU BORN? September 17
48. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Jacksonville NC
49. DO YOU HAVE A PET IF SO WHAT IS IT? A cat, 5 years, named Nemisis

Idle thoughts, of an idle mind

So many things are swimming through my head. So many different thoughts. So, I come here in hopes to get them out. It seems lately one of the safest places to do so. Considering few read this blog, I'm not really shy about getting my thoughts out anymore. Besides that, they are my thoughts. They are things that tend to sit in my mind - even when told not to worry about them. So, here I shall vent. I contemplate firstly, my ability of being a Mother. I'd like to think I was a good mother. I tend to Becca every moment of every day. She wants for nothing. She needs for nothing. Yet, I feel as I am sure most mothers feel when they have a child. Invisable. Less attractive. Over worked, and certainly running on a lack of sleep! I do not mind missing sleep so much. I've found I manage myself quite well on five hours of sleep a day. Sometimes less. Then, I wonder idly on my ability as a daughter. some part of me still feels a huge failure to my own mother. Like nothing I have done, or could do will ever earn me the words " I am proud of you". I know I've touched on such before, yet there it is. Once again a shadow in the back of my mind. Perhaps it shall always haunt me. I don't know. It is a vain wish, I know. But still it is there. I wonder truthfully, what the Eagle see's in me. Oh trust me, I am grateful for whatever it is, it is simply a thought that often occurs to me. I was persistant. I was a pain in the butt. I was completely and undeniably pig headed. Yet, something about me endeared me to him for the rest of our exsistance. However long or short that may be. I worry about returning to Colorado. I've no longer the desire to get in touch with the crew I once hung out with. No wish to see any of their faces. ( and no, I'm not talking about Tiger, Sandcatt or the Bug ) I'm just not sure I have anything in common with them anymore. I've different priorities. I just don't know. I feel like right now everything is in the air - I'm just hoping in the end, it will land without crushing me.

New Web Site

Ok, so I went and created the Princess Pea her own web site. Currently, it could be better...but for now, it will do. If you are curious feel free to visit the link below!

http://www.ourbabynews.com/livesoftware/main.asp?sitename=theprincesspea


All my love!

Open Mouth, Insert Foot?

I admit my mouth tends to overload itself. Or rather, to quote a book by the Great and Mighty Stephen King that I just finished reading " Why can't I seem to shut my everlasting mouth?" Last night, I could have lost everything that meant anything to me. Fortunately, the one I did it with, the wonderous Eagle is smart and knew me better than to be offended by my ranting, raving and general commentary. Thank the Gods for that. Yet, here I am the next day worried that what I said would be carried with him for longer than it should be. I worry that He took what I said to heart, instead of understanding that I was simply ranting.

So many things we've talked about. Me and the Eagle. Running through present, past and future with little care. Talking about what we wanted now, versus then. What was important to us now, versus then. So many different things, so many heartfelt whispers in the night. How can such small things, such small romantic notions mean anything to anyone else. Except perhaps myself. He will never realize the impact He's had on me. Then, and now. He will never realize the length I will go to for Him. He'll never understand just how deep He can cut me, without even knowing it.

We've broken each other, in all the best ways. We've made the wonderful realization that it's alright to be exactly who we are at this moment, and still be loved for it. Pardon my insane ranting, but my fondness, my adoration of the Eagle knows no bounds. It is not held apart and unseen. Rather it is much like the sun. Shining brightly so everyone might feel, and see what I feel.

But enough of that - I must return to reality. Reality tells me it is time to feed the Princess Pea. That I need to take care of the Hounds. And that I need to turn on my porch lights for my dear friend the Elk when she comes to get her dog. Which, hopefully will be soon!

All my love to you.

Star light, Star Bright......

So here it is Friday night and ( after having a little shock seeing Sandcatt FINALLY post ) I figured I would go ahead and post myself. I can't say much has been going on in all honesty. I spend the majority of my days packing and taking care of the Princess Pea. So far, it really doesn't look like I'm keeping a whole lot of stuff. Which makes me happy ( yay purge! ) and will no doubt make my Grandmother happy ( not alot of space to store things ) Meanwhile, it's only a few weeks left until I leave for Colorado. Until I finally get to relax in the arms of my loving family once more. How I've missed them. Truly. I can't believe how swiftly time appears to be flying now. It's as though someone has hit the fast forward button. As is, The Princess Pea is Five months old, and I am still amazed by that. For me, it feels like I just brought her home. That I just started this whole Mommy path. I did however find out that an old pal from High School is pregnant, and Having a girl. So, yay for her. Glad the HedgeHog could finally settle down with someone. Again, can't wait to see you all. That means ALL of you. The Tiger, The Bug, The Sandcatt ( who I really, really would like to touch up my tattoo's!! -cheesy grin- ) That's the daily minutes. I hope you are all well and happy. All my love to you.

Sugar Gliders

Ok, I normally don't do things like this - But I believe that it's a really good cause. If you know anything about Sugar Gliders, or truly want to know more about them. Feel free to look at the following web pages..and if you are large of heart, please make a donation to the rescue of these small critters!http://suggiesavers.tripod.com/index.html and http://www.sugarglider.net/rescom/index.php Thanks so much guys!

Dust and Boxes!

Another day spent in the boxes. Going through and deciding for a final time what goes, and what stays. Slowly and surely I am compacting down what I originally thought I would take to even less. Not that I am surprised. After all, most of it can be replaced. Most of it is nothing but trivial items with little to no meaning. Now mind you, there are a few trivial items that I absolutely refuse to let go of. However, most of it is not going to be making the trip to Colorado with the Princess Pea and myself.

Got an e-mail from the elusive Tiger today. I have to admit I was overjoyed by it. Why? Because it is so rare that He and I get to talk anymore. So rare that we get the moment of time to stop and see how things are going.

Then, another wonderful surprise! I got to talk briefly with the Moose! He's married now. To the girl I know He's been with for a few years. I'm so happy for Him. It's about time He settled down. Though I know in the Moose's case, settling doesn't always mean slowing.

Still wrapped into the book the Eagle sent me. I have to admit, the further along I get. The more my brain hurts. I may have blown through a few chapters the first day. But I think I shall have to slow it down from now on. Just so I don't wind up having some sort of melt down.

That's the minutes! Back to dust and boxes!

Miracles?

Ok, so Eagle's done it now. He's given this Kitty something to completely wrap her mind around and analyze until it simply can't be anymore. Something completely thought provoking and rather interesting. I just received it today and already I am on Chapter 4. Perfect Love and Perfect Trust. Such things are a concept many claim to already have. That people already claim to pass on, yet as I take a look at the world under such concepts, I find that it's all a bunch of smoke. So often do people preach to 'love thy neighbor' and yet rarely do they. We all come from the same cloth. We all are made to realize the same thing. Yet, so many of us are caught up in illusion and lies. The reality my dears, is that once we accept the true meaning of Perfection. Of Perfect Love and Perfect Trust, will we be set free. Try to wrap your mind around that! And, if you cannot, blame the Eagle for delightfully setting me on this road. Want to know what book it is? Ask me. Otherwise, you'll simply have to deal with the mental wanderings of this very delighted mind. All my love to you. For in perfect eyes, you too, are Perfect.

Rainbows and pots of gold

After much thought and contemplation, I can say that I am truly happy. I have everything I want. I have a beautiful daughter. The light of my life, the apple of my eye. The Princess Pea. And, I have the Eagle. My dark Angel. My blessed knight. There isn't anything else I want, nothing else that could make me happier than I am right this moment. I feel so full of love, that I could burst at the seams. Now, I realize that such isn't likely to happen. But, that's how I feel. Many talks I have had with numerous people. Yet, it all comes down to the same thing. How I feel. What I want. What makes me happy. No one could possibly understand my train of thought, or my inner most dreams and wishes. Except perhaps One. Whatever happens, I am ready for the challenges that this life has to offer. I am ready to climb the ladder and look from the highest peak. There will be struggles, there will be fights. Yet I know, with compassion, communication and love, such things will be trivial. As long as what we've chosen, makes us happy. Nothing else could possibly matter. On a side note - I wish my mother a very happy birthday. I hope it was everything she wished it to be.

Thoughts and Raindrops

I thought I could just stop posting on this damnable thing, however, I find that I need a place to vent my thoughts. Even if they seem angry, hurt or otherwise bitter. I need some place to just let it all go. Affecting no one. Hurting no one. At least, not intentionally.

Today the rain pelts my windows, making me think of times passed. Making me remember the little attic room I lived in during my stay in Maine. Remembering the smell that it had. Remembering what little I had then, what little I had left with to go to Colorado. What little I returned with. Remembering the color of the walls, and the memories made there. No, they weren't all happy. Yes, some of them were blissful. I wouldn't be surprised if the windowsill still showed nail marks.

I think of the little town in Florida I lived in. There wasn't much. Dirt roads, and a few fast food resturants. Yet my mind flies back there. Remembering the huge bathtub. The candle light, and the sound of coon hounds on the hunt.

I remember my apartment at the Breakers. How safe I had felt. How comfortable and blissfully quiet. How I enjoyed my time there. How I loved the lay of the land. The utter quiet that seemed to encompass where I lived. The sound the fireplace made, the heat it offered. How I would have enjoyed a romantic dinner in front of it.

They say smell is connected directly with memory. And the rain brings back so many memories. Good and bad. Welcome, and frightening. I do not regret. My path has been my own. My path, while wild and seemingly carefree, has been wrought with pain and dangers. Yet, it has been my own. Of my own choosing. When I meet the Divine, I will know that I lived life as I desired. That I loved, laughed and lived to the best of my ability.

An extra thought

I'm not really sure why I keep posting on this dang thing - it's not like anyone actually comments on them anymore anyway. Maybe I ought to just stop. Yeah, that might be a good plan. Besides, I'm sure ya'll are sick of hearing of my pathetic life anyway. HA! Ya'll take care, and maybe one day I'll bother to post again.

What's in a name?

Ok, today I got a bug in my ear. I don't know why - but I looked up the meaning of my daughters name. BOY was I shocked. Mainly because it definately doesn't seem like her. Not in the least bit. Perhaps I misnamed her? Rebecca, according to the sites I found ( and I searched several ) said it meant Bound or Tied. That it was Hebrew in origin and the Traits are as follows: People think of Rebecca as a pretty, unpretentious young woman who is smart, well-read, and either outspoken and strong-willed, or soft and sweet. Where as Marie - is also Hebrew in origin and is defined as Bitterness, or Bitter. The traits commonly thought of with a Marie are as follows: Most people think of Marie as a pretty, fun-loving woman who is artistic, friendly, and sweet. Some, though, think of Marie as hardworking, dependable, and boring. So I suppose according to the wonderous 'name game' The Princess Pea could turn out just fine, or be a boring kid. Though with me as her mother, I highly doubt that. After all, we all know how boring I turned out to be right? HAHA!

Birthday's and Wishes

Today is my kid sister's birthday. She's turning 17. A semi magical number considering she's in that inbetween point. Not quite legally an adult, but not quite just a kid anymore. To her, I say enjoy the last year. Enjoy what you have left of your 'childhood'. Enjoy things that come and let go of all the negative stuff. Once you are 18, and legally an adult, it all changes and you spend the rest of your life wishing you could go back to being a kid and not having to worry about things like Rent, buying your own Food, taking care of yourself, by yourself. Try to remember that next year, it all changes. Some for the best, some for the worst. I wish you all the best Bug. Have a very HAPPY Birthday! Now that my sister is a year older, I can officially say I am too. Funny how I measure my own time by hers. Probably because she's ten years younger than me. The odd thing is, something my mother told me that sticks in my mind, now that I have a child of my own, I will age two years each year. Or at least feel like it. On the plus side, I don't feel old. I don't feel changed that much aside from having had a kid. Oddly enough, I feel young, and beautiful. Not only because having a child was very good for my spirit ( and body ) but because beside me is Eagle telling me that I am beautiful, special and loved. Ahh well, once again. Happy Birthday Bug. I hope you have a good one!

What holds the Universe up?

Lets think about this - I mean truly think about this. What IS holding the universe up? Can we, as imperfect beings. As beings living in a dream that we ourselves created, say what makes sure the whole Universe doesn't fall down and go boom? Can we, as people who have detatched ourselves from the truth of it all, willingly, say why it all keeps spinning? Out of fear we lie to ourselves, instead of taking the truth into account. Instead of realizing that things are truly simple. We make them complicated. We make them surreal. As imperfect beings we consistantly try to prove the next 'big' thing. We try to make our logic stick onto everyone who passes by. But really, what is logic? Save a simple way of explaining things we do not understand? The mind boggles my friends - and it is all Eagle's doing. Perhaps tonight we shall have another conversation that has me up in the early AM contemplating the very meaning, the very nature of life. Or perhaps, it will all be undone. The great and mighty riddle made truth for all to see.

Dreams are made of....

Many thoughts rage through my mind. Sneaking around like little demons ready to bite should the need arise. Skulking in dark corners and waving pitchforks. So does time change all things. Wishing for the flowers and getting only the rain. But without rain, there wouldn't be flowers would there?

How I miss Him. My Angel of Darkness. My Eagle. The one who manages without trying to make me feel complete, whole, special and beautiful. The one who holds my heart within His hand, and knowingly accepts the duty it comes with. He never stopped loving me. He only let me go because He loved me. He released me so that I might have my dreams. The dreams of being a mother. Something, He could not give me. How do you say thank you to something like that? How do you even begin to compare the wonders that He's given you, all without being present?

I thought once that I could be happy, without children, staying only with Him. I waited three years to hear magical words from His lips. Yet, now I know better. I would never have been completely happy.

He adores the Princess Pea. Such is evident in the way He holds her. The things He says to her. The fact that He doesn't mind her when she cries and even steps up to take care of her if I'm busy. While she is only four months old now, I can see she likes Him too. Her face lights up when she's near him. I'm glad to see I'm not the only one He affects like that.

Scoff if you wish. Condemn me my heart if it thrills you. Laugh at my seemingly fickle fancies. However, I love him. I'm not ashamed to say it. Nor am I unable to admit that I've always loved Him. Even after He said goodbye. Now He's returned. And while I do not know where this will lead, for the moment it is enough. To have Him around. To know His heart once more. To know how he feels.

This, is what dreams are made of.

The surging tides

I completed all my preparations for my incoming company on Sunday ( the 29th ) and managed to have everything spotless ( near perfect ) for my guests. I can say in all honesty I was completely and totally nervous. Wondering exactly what would, or could happen. Wondering if all was simply a show, or something more. The Eagle and the Panda arrived around 9 pm ( give or take ) and immediately went about adoring the Princess Pea. Not that I can blame them in the least. She is adorable, if nothing else. That night, we didn't really do much. Waited for the Rabbit to arrive home. Ate a late dinner ( ok, very late ) and crashed about one am. The next day however, we ( Eagle, Myself and the Pea ) stayed in and watched movies, ordered in dinner and had ourselves a nice time simply relaxing and relearning each other. The night after, we played poker, ate pizza and drank ( wow did I become a MAJOR lightweight ) It was a fun night. At least I thought it was. And so that I could further enjoy myself. Eagle took over the baby duty. Taking care of the Pea should she need anything. So sweet of Him. The last day however, was the hardest. At least for me. I have never been good at saying fare well, and when the Eagle and Panda had their truck packed up, and were saying goodbye, I cried. I cried for nearly an hour after they left. It's hard on me. Because I love them both so much. Because I care about them and enjoy having them around. They are wonderful people, and I can only say thank you about them being back in my life. I missed them dearly.