YAY!!!!

Here I am in Colorado. Thank the heavens above for such wonders! Needless to say, I got here, and only found out afterward everything that's been going on. Go figure. HAHA. And then, to top it off - this last Wends...there was a HUGE blizzard. Pretty close to the blizzard of 03. Kinda scary.

Then, lets add something to that - The Eagle is worried I will find someone else before He gets out here. Now, I know I have a fickle nature, however....He's all I've thought about since He and I split many years ago. Sure, my life went on, but my mind still stuck on him. Why is this? Obsession? Love? Who knows. All I know, I will wait around for him. Wait for him to be able to get out here. I understand how the lack of fundage goes, and I am not about to throw a fit simply because He's not here. Even if I would love for him to be. I hope the Eagle understands my faith and commitment to this whole thing. If He doesn't, I suppose one day He'll fully comprehend it all.

I hope to see you all soon. Take care and have a Merry Christmas!!!

Last post, until I have a computer again

Here it is the 13th of December - The Princess Pea is officially 6 months old. YAY! She's cutting her first tooth ( on the bottom row of her jaw ) Today is also my LAST day in Hicksville Ohio. THANK GOD!! I can't wait to be home! I really can't wait. Tomorrow night, I will be home. With my family. With my daughter. And once more around those who know me better than most. So, I bid you all a fine fare well, and promise that eventually I will post once I am able. To those of you that I know read this - I will either see you soon, or I shall miss you dearly. To those of you who read this that I do not know, Bright Blessings and a Very Merry Christmas to you all.

Soon to be

Soon enough I leave. I can't wait to return Home. Home to my family. Home to things I know and understand. I leave the 14th, and arrive the same day at 6 pm. A five hour flight with my daughter ( and my cat...thanks to the Eagle ) and poof, there I'll be. I can't wait. I truly can't wait. I am soon to be gone from this place known as Hicksville, and once more back home in the wonderful Colorado. It seems to me that things are simply flying. Time, has sped up to an almost quick draw speed and I am left watching it all pass by. I'm excited, and nervous about returning home. Mainly because it's been a year and a couple months, and when I left I was a different person, than the one who is coming home now. I can't wait to see some people, but other people I would rather just avoid. My life and mentality has changed from what they once knew, and I am quite unsure that I have anything in common with those people anymore. I am looking forward to seeing the entirity of my family. And this year I get to see my cousin as well. Since we all pretty well figure this will be my grandfathers last Christmas, I think we're going all out to make it special. For him, and for us. I keep wondering idly how everything will go down. How many of my family will simply let me forget the negative stuff and enjoy the happiness ? How many of them will simply accept that I am a mother, and therefore it is I who will choose what is best for my infant daughter? I don't know. I know it will be a culture shock to all of them. After all, this is ME we're talking about. I seriously doubt they comprehend what to expect. And, if they do, I doubt they know to what extent. The only person who might have half a clue, is the Bug. After all, she was here the first month after the Princess Pea was born. So, why wouldn't she understand at least a little of my mothering skills. Nevertheless, I don't worry about her commentary, as much as I do my mothers, grandmothers, and my uncles wife. I just know someone is going to comment, and I am going to have to put them in their place. After all, this is my life - and my daughters life now. No one elses.

I shall be away from online for awhile ( except the spare moments I manage to use my sisters or grandfathers computer ) But, on the plus side - I will be home. I will be back with the people that, despite my worry and nervousness, I adore beyond measure.

So, while this is my last post for awhile, I do wish you all a wonderful Christmas. A happy new year, and all the blessings that come with it. May your days be merry and bright my friends.

P.S. All the wonderful Calvin and Hobbes comic strips, are humor. And, I honestly thought the Sandcatt might get a kick out of them if He still bothers to read my blog!

Lets say thanks

I believe, whole heartedly that we ought to send our thanks to the men and women fighting for our freedom. Our country, and our safety. So thinking, I have found a site where you can go, pick out a card to send, pick a message ( or write your own ) and have it sent. All FREE!

http://www.letssaythanks.com

These men and women of the service need to hear they are appreciated. That they are remembered. And most of all, that people are waiting for them to come home. Take a moment, and send the card. It will make someone's day brighter.

On another note - 3 days!! Only 3 days and I'm headed HOME! I can't wait. Truly, can't, wait!!

Shattered Illusions

With one movement. One idle thought. One misplaced hand, all illusions can be shattered. Such has happened. One I called friend, dearest friend, for a decade.....has wronged me worse than any other could ever do. Once, I thought being hit, being cheated on was the worst. Now, I know better. I was harmed in one way a woman can probably never forget. For it burns it's image upon my heart. My trust, is shattered. My illusions of the one who wronged me, are no more. I cannot forgive this readily. I cannot accept apologies. Such is the will that mangled this heart. How can I openly trust, again?

I don't know...

I don't know what to call this post, except idle ramblings once more. Though I must say thank you to my dear Tiger, for pointing out Counting errors. However, I hope He realizes that I was counting the day I was on as well. Either way, I never said I was good at math, infact I believe I always said the opposite. HA!

Today was spent mostly at Doctors appointments. Either for myself, or my daughter. Getting medical records, etc etc, so that when I get to Colorado I have all my ducks in a row so to speak. Not that I couldn't have gotten them later, it's just easier to get now. Instead of waiting. The Princess Pea is now officially longer than she is heavier. Which is to say, her weight has dropped in comparison to her length. YAY! Today she weighed in at 18 pounds, 27.5 inches. Not to shabby for a six month old. She is, as always, perfectly healthy. The only bane of today's appointment? Shots. I hate seeing them jab her with needles. And the crying she does due to such agony is just miserable on my heart.

Today, was also the visit from the At Home Nurse ( thanks to the Hospital's wonderful health care system - a true marvel all the things small towns do for babies ) The Princess pea was assessed and is once more ahead of the game. Doing things older babies are doing. Minus the crawling of course. Though, I don't think it will be long til that happens either. I had to let the home nurse know what was going on, and so it was the last visit. A shame, because I truly liked the at home nurse. She was great.

Moving on, got everything packed up, and ready to go. YAY. I honestly can't wait to be out of here. For numerous reasons. I'm trying not to be bitchy, complain or redundant, however I simply can't handle the way some people expect me to entertain them every waking moment. I do have an infant, therefore I do have something more important than kissing someone's ass. As usual, I'm ranting. Letting steam go. I find that this blog is wonderful for that.

9 days and counting.......ready yet?

( hope I got that right, or Tiger will give me no end of grief! )

11 days and counting

I really don't mean to continue posting EVERY single day til I hit Colorado. However, I find in my free time ( which is quite small all things considered ) that I need the time to vent. Vent frustrations about packing, moving. About the Rabbit. About the In-Laws. About everything. I try very hard to not worry about it. To say to myself my time here is short, therefore I don't really have to worry about much of anything. However, such stresses and small things are chipping away at my resolve. I find myself biting my tongue more often then not, simply to keep the peace. I just don't know what I am to do. Honestly. I don't know how to let it all roll off my back any other way. I suppose it all falls down to something we're all typically taught as children.

" If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all "

And so, that is what I've been trying to do. Trying in vain most times. But still trying. I was thinking of things I'd miss in Hicksville. Things that made this 'worth' it. I came up with a very small list. I'd miss my dear friend and her husband. I'd actually miss my neighbors. They've been wonderful people to know. I'd miss the quiet nature of this small town. The lack of crime, sirens and whatnot. I'd miss the simple pull that is quiet town life. However, the list of things I will NOT be missing, is so much longer than that. It's amazing really. While I rejoice in the quiet now and then, I can honestly say, I'll be glad to get back to a real city. A real life. Where lights can be seen 24/7. Where I can actually get my milk at 3 am if I have to. Where things, including grocery stores, are open on Sunday. Where my family is. Home is where the heart is, and while My Daughter and I make that heart beat - My Home...is with my insane, slightly obnoxious, definately dysfunctional family. How I love and miss them.

12 days and counting

Ok, so it's like the twelve days of Christmas. Only earlier for me. WAY earlier. I honestly can't WAIT to be in Colorado already. I will leave it at that, smile because I know my time here is short, and pray that all goes well for me til then.

On another note - I want to share the 12 Days of Christmas, Fire and Rescue Style. A loving Tribute to all those hard working Paramedic's AND EMT's out there, who very rarely get the thanks they deserve! Thanks so much guys and gals! You are indeed the reason many of us live another day!

On the First day of Christmas, my Dispatcher gave to me...

Grandma who fell and hurt her knee...

On the Second Day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me...
2 MG of Narcan for the out of work person who wants to end it all by taking her Husband's pain pills and won't tell me what she took and is feeling suicidal....

and grandma who fell and hurt her knee.

On the Third day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me....
Three stacked shocks for the 88 year old man who instead of paying the neighbor kid 5 bucks to shovel his driveway, decided to do it himself and have the big one in the driveway...

2 Mg of Narcan for the psycho chick trying to off herself...
and grandma who fell and hurt her knee..

On the Fourth day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me....

4 AM in the morning I have to go to the nursing home because someone has had the flu for like 16 years and all of a sudden needs to go to the hospital....NOW,...

Three Stacked shocks for the full arrested popsicle,
2 MG of Narcan for Morphine eating Momma...
and Grandma who fell and hurt her knee....

On the Fifth day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me...
Five minutes to eat.....

4 AM shuttle call,
Three stacked shocks,
2 MG of Narcan,
and Grandma who fell and hurt her knee....

On the Sixth Day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me....
Six run reports behind because the computer guy can't fix the system...

Five Minutes to eat!!!!!!!!!!
4 AM Shuttle,
3 zaps to the chest,
gonna have a stomach pumped,
and grandma who fell and hurt her knee...

On the Seventh day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me...Seven car pile up while everyone was trying to beat the light so they can get into Wal Mart the day after Thanksgiving thinking there is only 4 dancing Elmo Dolls...
six reports behind...

Five minutes to eat.......
4AM is way to early,
3 stacked shocks,
2 of Narcan Pushed,
and grandma who fell and hurt her knee....

On the Eighth day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me....Eight flights of steps to walk up to get the 400 pound person who is having shortness of breath since LAST Christmas and can't walk...oh, and of course, the elevator doesn't work...

7 cars a crunching,
six reports a writing,
Five minutes to eat.
4 AM shuttle,
CPR in progress,
2 MG of Narcan,
and grandma who fell and hurt her knee...

On the ninth day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me Nine blankets
needed to cover up grandpa because he is freezing and we aren't even out of the house yet but thinks he will get pneumonia and die for all of the 10 seconds we
are outside...

Eight flights of stairs,
should have stayed home and bought it off of Ebay,
six reports I'm writing...
Five minutes to eat.....
What the Hell time is it,
should have paid the kid,
2MG of Narcan,
and grandma who fell and hurt her knee.

On the Tenth Day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me...
Ten Minutes till I can get a bed in the ER because the nurses are busy figuring out who is going to lunch next....

Nine blankets needed,
Hope fire department is coming,
7 cars a crunching,
six reports I need to write,
Five minutes to eat...
Can't you wait till morning,
stick a fork in him, he's done,
Man I hope she shuts up...
and grandma who fell and hurt her knee.

On the Eleventh day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me....
Eleven times I tried to get the heat to work in the back of the truck
and maintainence won't take the truck in...

ten minutes waiting,
Nine blankets needed,
eight flights of steps to climb,
Hope you have Progressive,
Give me a new ink pen...
Five minutes to eat....
4 AM is early,
3 Leads all show he's dead,
2 MG won't touch her..
and grandma who fell and hurt her knee...

On the Twelth day of Christmas, my dispatcher gave to me...
a 12 Gague IV needle that I put into the drunk 19 year old who tried to swing at me...

it's really freezing,
Hope you choke on your sandwich,
9 blankets for grandpa,
How did you get up here in the first place,
man your husband is gonna be pissed,
six reports STILL down...
five minutes to eat...
Better than taking them back,
Hope I recorded the code,
Man, just pass out already...
and grandma who fell and hit her knee...

Merry Christmas!!

14 days and counting....

Today hasn't been the best of days for me. I find myself being quite irritated far too easily. Nothing in particular mind you, just all the little things. I know I shouldn't dwell on them, and yet I do. Crazy thing is, I suppose in a way it gives me something to fret about. Since, everything else is taken care of. Life is, I suppose, as it should be. The Princess Pea is doing wonderfully. Growing like a weed and doing new things every day. Her development is right on track. At least as far as I am concerned. I am doing equally as well. Health is good, stress level is down considerably. All in all, everything is going just as expected. Yet, I still find myself irritated that people, certain people, are breathing My Air. Taking valuable oxygen from my lungs. Such is an irritation that I can't help. Sorry to say. I simply am. It shall pass I know, once I am back in Colorado. Around my friends and family. Until then, I must be thankful for what I have. What is happening right now. I have a pretty decent life. I can't complain. After all, I have my bright spots. The things that make me smile. I have the Eagle, and the Princess Pea. What right have I to complain? Other then the fact it is human nature. I must remember though, the things I do not have, I do not have because of my own choosing. Not because something or someone keeps them from me. I must strive for these things on my own. Go out, and grab them with gusto. And so thinking, I shall. I will go out, get what I want and make it my own. Blissfully. 14 days and counting. 14 little days and I will be home. Are you sure you are ready?

16 days and counting

In a little more than 2 weeks, I'll be back in Colorado. I can't believe it! I honestly feel like I still have a done of stuff to do! Even though I know much of it has been accomplished already. Time certainly flies when you are having fun. I suppose I've just been too busy packing, juggling things and all that to think about what day it was. That was, until tonight. In sixteen days I will be back around my family, my friends. The people I care about. It's mind blowing. Certainly, because I've been flying around taking care of last minute details is likely why I would think that time has been flying past me without pausing. Ahh well.

16 days folks. That's all. 16 days. Are you prepared for it?

Friendships

I must admit, my mind as of late has been thinking of many things. Today, it was Friendships. Old and New. Treasured and forgotten. So many different directions to go. I wonder idly, how many friends one makes in a life time. How many of those friends are true friends? The true ones stick by you, even if they think you are crazy for doing what you do. The true ones actually care what is happening with you, or whats happened. The fair weather friends, are in it only for themselves. Only there for their own gratification. How many of my friends, or those I call Friend - are fair weather, or True? I can't say I know to be honest. I can't say who falls under what catagory. Until today, I can't say I even bothered to think about it. Yet, there it is. Some friends are silver, some are gold. To my Golden Friends - I can only say thank you for being there. Through everything. Through all the changes, the pain, the joy, the happiness. For being there to pull my butt out of the fire, or teach me how to stop and smell the roses. To those friends, I say thank you. I could not have made it to where I am without you. To the others, fair weather, I am sure you know who you are. If you choose to be a friend, a true friend...only you can change the course of events. Only you, can make the effort to speak to me, to wonder how I am for once. To talk to me before I have to make the first step. Sometimes, those steps are yours to take, and I for one, no longer wish to take them. I have tried, numerous times to patch fences. To make ammends. To what end? For in certain my trials have garnered me nothing. Except maybe yet another knife in the back. To you fair weather friends, I say thank you to what you have offered. What little you could give. Yet, I find myself also saying goodbye. Maybe someday we'll meet again, and that time, one or both of us - shall be Gold.

Upgraded

Alright, I've upgraded to the 'new' blogger method. Maybe now they'll stop bugging me so much every time I try to put a post on this dang thing about updating. Of course, that's just my wishful thinking. HA!

Another day has gone by, another few boxes packed away to be put on a truck and moved to Colorado. Personally, I can't wait. To be around my family again. To be around the usual insanity of them...it's a bright blessing for me. Once more, they open doors and hearts for me. Something I'm sure they tire of. I try to be of help to them, yet most times I simply fail in that effort. Nevertheless, they are there for me now, and that is certainly what counts. I've honestly missed them all. From being able to talk to my best friend, who happens also to be my Grandmother. To seeing my mothers latest thrilling read or, latest tangent. Knowing that the Bug will be around to annoy me endlessly. Heck, I even get to see my cousin! Definately something I can't wait for. I haven't seen him in awhile. What, at least a year or so? I can't remember. I just know it's been awhile. Time changes everything. From the way the road curves to the mountains that greet us when we look out our window as we pass by. Everything changes, and in this - so have I.

I have shifted from being the Leopard who wanted nothing more than to be happy. From the selfish, uncaring wench that I once was. With ( I am told ) a horrible attitude. To a Mother. To someone who has something more important than themselves to look after. To take care of. I always wanted to be a mother, and now I am. The sheer amount of joy in knowing that I brought that little girl into the world. That my arms were the first arms to hold her when she cried. That my lips, were the first to brush her tiny brow - these are things, memories that no one can take from me. No one can possible know my joy. As for each person, such joy is different. I know I am a good mother. I know I may be considered overprotective. I know that I have my rules and ways. I just hope that each of them, is right for my daughter...and likewise for me. The choices I make now, no longer impact only me. They impact the Pea. That, is something I will forever more have to take into account. Forever more, I shall have to remember that there is something more spectacular out there than anything else someone, anyone could offer me. My Precious Daughter. My pretty in Pink, Princess Pea.

Survey Says?!

Ok, normally I wouldn't post something like this on my Blog - however, it struck me as something to do tonight. Deal with it. If you feel the need, e-mail it back to me. If you want to comment on it, feel free. If not, oh well. It's just for fun. Right?


1. FIRST NAME? Maegan
2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? No
3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? November 22, 2006
4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Not really.
5 WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Ham
6. KIDS? Yes, a daughter
7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Yes.
8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? Yes.
9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Perhaps
10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes.
11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Nope.
12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Golden Grahams
13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Yes
14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Yes.
15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Rocky Road
16. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Eyes .
17. RED OR PINK? Pink!
18. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My butt.
19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My Grandmother
20. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? Sure!.
21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Pink plaid pants, no shoes
22. THE LAST THING YOU ATE? A frozen pizza.
23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Cars ( the movie )
24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Grass Green
25. FAVORITE SMELL? Clean dirt, Cinnamon Apples
26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My sister
27. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Yeah
28. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DRINK? Coke
29. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? Baseball
30. HAIR COLOR? Red
31. EYE COLOR? Green
32. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No
33. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? Scary movies
34. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Yours, Mine and Ours.
35. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Gray
36. HUGS OR KISSES? Kisses
37. FAVORITE DESSERT? Cheesecake!!.
38. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Not sure
39. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Not sure
40. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? A romance novel
41. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? My mouse?
42. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST ON TV? as in TV show? Umm, Law and Order
43. FAVORITE SOUNDS? I don't know.
44. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Neither.
45. THE FURTHEST YOU BEEN FROM HOME? I went to Canada, does that count?
46. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? Yes
47. WHEN WERE YOU BORN? September 17
48. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Jacksonville NC
49. DO YOU HAVE A PET IF SO WHAT IS IT? A cat, 5 years, named Nemisis

Idle thoughts, of an idle mind

So many things are swimming through my head. So many different thoughts. So, I come here in hopes to get them out. It seems lately one of the safest places to do so. Considering few read this blog, I'm not really shy about getting my thoughts out anymore. Besides that, they are my thoughts. They are things that tend to sit in my mind - even when told not to worry about them. So, here I shall vent. I contemplate firstly, my ability of being a Mother. I'd like to think I was a good mother. I tend to Becca every moment of every day. She wants for nothing. She needs for nothing. Yet, I feel as I am sure most mothers feel when they have a child. Invisable. Less attractive. Over worked, and certainly running on a lack of sleep! I do not mind missing sleep so much. I've found I manage myself quite well on five hours of sleep a day. Sometimes less. Then, I wonder idly on my ability as a daughter. some part of me still feels a huge failure to my own mother. Like nothing I have done, or could do will ever earn me the words " I am proud of you". I know I've touched on such before, yet there it is. Once again a shadow in the back of my mind. Perhaps it shall always haunt me. I don't know. It is a vain wish, I know. But still it is there. I wonder truthfully, what the Eagle see's in me. Oh trust me, I am grateful for whatever it is, it is simply a thought that often occurs to me. I was persistant. I was a pain in the butt. I was completely and undeniably pig headed. Yet, something about me endeared me to him for the rest of our exsistance. However long or short that may be. I worry about returning to Colorado. I've no longer the desire to get in touch with the crew I once hung out with. No wish to see any of their faces. ( and no, I'm not talking about Tiger, Sandcatt or the Bug ) I'm just not sure I have anything in common with them anymore. I've different priorities. I just don't know. I feel like right now everything is in the air - I'm just hoping in the end, it will land without crushing me.

New Web Site

Ok, so I went and created the Princess Pea her own web site. Currently, it could be better...but for now, it will do. If you are curious feel free to visit the link below!

http://www.ourbabynews.com/livesoftware/main.asp?sitename=theprincesspea


All my love!

Open Mouth, Insert Foot?

I admit my mouth tends to overload itself. Or rather, to quote a book by the Great and Mighty Stephen King that I just finished reading " Why can't I seem to shut my everlasting mouth?" Last night, I could have lost everything that meant anything to me. Fortunately, the one I did it with, the wonderous Eagle is smart and knew me better than to be offended by my ranting, raving and general commentary. Thank the Gods for that. Yet, here I am the next day worried that what I said would be carried with him for longer than it should be. I worry that He took what I said to heart, instead of understanding that I was simply ranting.

So many things we've talked about. Me and the Eagle. Running through present, past and future with little care. Talking about what we wanted now, versus then. What was important to us now, versus then. So many different things, so many heartfelt whispers in the night. How can such small things, such small romantic notions mean anything to anyone else. Except perhaps myself. He will never realize the impact He's had on me. Then, and now. He will never realize the length I will go to for Him. He'll never understand just how deep He can cut me, without even knowing it.

We've broken each other, in all the best ways. We've made the wonderful realization that it's alright to be exactly who we are at this moment, and still be loved for it. Pardon my insane ranting, but my fondness, my adoration of the Eagle knows no bounds. It is not held apart and unseen. Rather it is much like the sun. Shining brightly so everyone might feel, and see what I feel.

But enough of that - I must return to reality. Reality tells me it is time to feed the Princess Pea. That I need to take care of the Hounds. And that I need to turn on my porch lights for my dear friend the Elk when she comes to get her dog. Which, hopefully will be soon!

All my love to you.

Star light, Star Bright......

So here it is Friday night and ( after having a little shock seeing Sandcatt FINALLY post ) I figured I would go ahead and post myself. I can't say much has been going on in all honesty. I spend the majority of my days packing and taking care of the Princess Pea. So far, it really doesn't look like I'm keeping a whole lot of stuff. Which makes me happy ( yay purge! ) and will no doubt make my Grandmother happy ( not alot of space to store things ) Meanwhile, it's only a few weeks left until I leave for Colorado. Until I finally get to relax in the arms of my loving family once more. How I've missed them. Truly. I can't believe how swiftly time appears to be flying now. It's as though someone has hit the fast forward button. As is, The Princess Pea is Five months old, and I am still amazed by that. For me, it feels like I just brought her home. That I just started this whole Mommy path. I did however find out that an old pal from High School is pregnant, and Having a girl. So, yay for her. Glad the HedgeHog could finally settle down with someone. Again, can't wait to see you all. That means ALL of you. The Tiger, The Bug, The Sandcatt ( who I really, really would like to touch up my tattoo's!! -cheesy grin- ) That's the daily minutes. I hope you are all well and happy. All my love to you.

Sugar Gliders

Ok, I normally don't do things like this - But I believe that it's a really good cause. If you know anything about Sugar Gliders, or truly want to know more about them. Feel free to look at the following web pages..and if you are large of heart, please make a donation to the rescue of these small critters!http://suggiesavers.tripod.com/index.html and http://www.sugarglider.net/rescom/index.php Thanks so much guys!

Dust and Boxes!

Another day spent in the boxes. Going through and deciding for a final time what goes, and what stays. Slowly and surely I am compacting down what I originally thought I would take to even less. Not that I am surprised. After all, most of it can be replaced. Most of it is nothing but trivial items with little to no meaning. Now mind you, there are a few trivial items that I absolutely refuse to let go of. However, most of it is not going to be making the trip to Colorado with the Princess Pea and myself.

Got an e-mail from the elusive Tiger today. I have to admit I was overjoyed by it. Why? Because it is so rare that He and I get to talk anymore. So rare that we get the moment of time to stop and see how things are going.

Then, another wonderful surprise! I got to talk briefly with the Moose! He's married now. To the girl I know He's been with for a few years. I'm so happy for Him. It's about time He settled down. Though I know in the Moose's case, settling doesn't always mean slowing.

Still wrapped into the book the Eagle sent me. I have to admit, the further along I get. The more my brain hurts. I may have blown through a few chapters the first day. But I think I shall have to slow it down from now on. Just so I don't wind up having some sort of melt down.

That's the minutes! Back to dust and boxes!

Miracles?

Ok, so Eagle's done it now. He's given this Kitty something to completely wrap her mind around and analyze until it simply can't be anymore. Something completely thought provoking and rather interesting. I just received it today and already I am on Chapter 4. Perfect Love and Perfect Trust. Such things are a concept many claim to already have. That people already claim to pass on, yet as I take a look at the world under such concepts, I find that it's all a bunch of smoke. So often do people preach to 'love thy neighbor' and yet rarely do they. We all come from the same cloth. We all are made to realize the same thing. Yet, so many of us are caught up in illusion and lies. The reality my dears, is that once we accept the true meaning of Perfection. Of Perfect Love and Perfect Trust, will we be set free. Try to wrap your mind around that! And, if you cannot, blame the Eagle for delightfully setting me on this road. Want to know what book it is? Ask me. Otherwise, you'll simply have to deal with the mental wanderings of this very delighted mind. All my love to you. For in perfect eyes, you too, are Perfect.

Rainbows and pots of gold

After much thought and contemplation, I can say that I am truly happy. I have everything I want. I have a beautiful daughter. The light of my life, the apple of my eye. The Princess Pea. And, I have the Eagle. My dark Angel. My blessed knight. There isn't anything else I want, nothing else that could make me happier than I am right this moment. I feel so full of love, that I could burst at the seams. Now, I realize that such isn't likely to happen. But, that's how I feel. Many talks I have had with numerous people. Yet, it all comes down to the same thing. How I feel. What I want. What makes me happy. No one could possibly understand my train of thought, or my inner most dreams and wishes. Except perhaps One. Whatever happens, I am ready for the challenges that this life has to offer. I am ready to climb the ladder and look from the highest peak. There will be struggles, there will be fights. Yet I know, with compassion, communication and love, such things will be trivial. As long as what we've chosen, makes us happy. Nothing else could possibly matter. On a side note - I wish my mother a very happy birthday. I hope it was everything she wished it to be.

Thoughts and Raindrops

I thought I could just stop posting on this damnable thing, however, I find that I need a place to vent my thoughts. Even if they seem angry, hurt or otherwise bitter. I need some place to just let it all go. Affecting no one. Hurting no one. At least, not intentionally.

Today the rain pelts my windows, making me think of times passed. Making me remember the little attic room I lived in during my stay in Maine. Remembering the smell that it had. Remembering what little I had then, what little I had left with to go to Colorado. What little I returned with. Remembering the color of the walls, and the memories made there. No, they weren't all happy. Yes, some of them were blissful. I wouldn't be surprised if the windowsill still showed nail marks.

I think of the little town in Florida I lived in. There wasn't much. Dirt roads, and a few fast food resturants. Yet my mind flies back there. Remembering the huge bathtub. The candle light, and the sound of coon hounds on the hunt.

I remember my apartment at the Breakers. How safe I had felt. How comfortable and blissfully quiet. How I enjoyed my time there. How I loved the lay of the land. The utter quiet that seemed to encompass where I lived. The sound the fireplace made, the heat it offered. How I would have enjoyed a romantic dinner in front of it.

They say smell is connected directly with memory. And the rain brings back so many memories. Good and bad. Welcome, and frightening. I do not regret. My path has been my own. My path, while wild and seemingly carefree, has been wrought with pain and dangers. Yet, it has been my own. Of my own choosing. When I meet the Divine, I will know that I lived life as I desired. That I loved, laughed and lived to the best of my ability.

An extra thought

I'm not really sure why I keep posting on this dang thing - it's not like anyone actually comments on them anymore anyway. Maybe I ought to just stop. Yeah, that might be a good plan. Besides, I'm sure ya'll are sick of hearing of my pathetic life anyway. HA! Ya'll take care, and maybe one day I'll bother to post again.

What's in a name?

Ok, today I got a bug in my ear. I don't know why - but I looked up the meaning of my daughters name. BOY was I shocked. Mainly because it definately doesn't seem like her. Not in the least bit. Perhaps I misnamed her? Rebecca, according to the sites I found ( and I searched several ) said it meant Bound or Tied. That it was Hebrew in origin and the Traits are as follows: People think of Rebecca as a pretty, unpretentious young woman who is smart, well-read, and either outspoken and strong-willed, or soft and sweet. Where as Marie - is also Hebrew in origin and is defined as Bitterness, or Bitter. The traits commonly thought of with a Marie are as follows: Most people think of Marie as a pretty, fun-loving woman who is artistic, friendly, and sweet. Some, though, think of Marie as hardworking, dependable, and boring. So I suppose according to the wonderous 'name game' The Princess Pea could turn out just fine, or be a boring kid. Though with me as her mother, I highly doubt that. After all, we all know how boring I turned out to be right? HAHA!

Birthday's and Wishes

Today is my kid sister's birthday. She's turning 17. A semi magical number considering she's in that inbetween point. Not quite legally an adult, but not quite just a kid anymore. To her, I say enjoy the last year. Enjoy what you have left of your 'childhood'. Enjoy things that come and let go of all the negative stuff. Once you are 18, and legally an adult, it all changes and you spend the rest of your life wishing you could go back to being a kid and not having to worry about things like Rent, buying your own Food, taking care of yourself, by yourself. Try to remember that next year, it all changes. Some for the best, some for the worst. I wish you all the best Bug. Have a very HAPPY Birthday! Now that my sister is a year older, I can officially say I am too. Funny how I measure my own time by hers. Probably because she's ten years younger than me. The odd thing is, something my mother told me that sticks in my mind, now that I have a child of my own, I will age two years each year. Or at least feel like it. On the plus side, I don't feel old. I don't feel changed that much aside from having had a kid. Oddly enough, I feel young, and beautiful. Not only because having a child was very good for my spirit ( and body ) but because beside me is Eagle telling me that I am beautiful, special and loved. Ahh well, once again. Happy Birthday Bug. I hope you have a good one!

What holds the Universe up?

Lets think about this - I mean truly think about this. What IS holding the universe up? Can we, as imperfect beings. As beings living in a dream that we ourselves created, say what makes sure the whole Universe doesn't fall down and go boom? Can we, as people who have detatched ourselves from the truth of it all, willingly, say why it all keeps spinning? Out of fear we lie to ourselves, instead of taking the truth into account. Instead of realizing that things are truly simple. We make them complicated. We make them surreal. As imperfect beings we consistantly try to prove the next 'big' thing. We try to make our logic stick onto everyone who passes by. But really, what is logic? Save a simple way of explaining things we do not understand? The mind boggles my friends - and it is all Eagle's doing. Perhaps tonight we shall have another conversation that has me up in the early AM contemplating the very meaning, the very nature of life. Or perhaps, it will all be undone. The great and mighty riddle made truth for all to see.

Dreams are made of....

Many thoughts rage through my mind. Sneaking around like little demons ready to bite should the need arise. Skulking in dark corners and waving pitchforks. So does time change all things. Wishing for the flowers and getting only the rain. But without rain, there wouldn't be flowers would there?

How I miss Him. My Angel of Darkness. My Eagle. The one who manages without trying to make me feel complete, whole, special and beautiful. The one who holds my heart within His hand, and knowingly accepts the duty it comes with. He never stopped loving me. He only let me go because He loved me. He released me so that I might have my dreams. The dreams of being a mother. Something, He could not give me. How do you say thank you to something like that? How do you even begin to compare the wonders that He's given you, all without being present?

I thought once that I could be happy, without children, staying only with Him. I waited three years to hear magical words from His lips. Yet, now I know better. I would never have been completely happy.

He adores the Princess Pea. Such is evident in the way He holds her. The things He says to her. The fact that He doesn't mind her when she cries and even steps up to take care of her if I'm busy. While she is only four months old now, I can see she likes Him too. Her face lights up when she's near him. I'm glad to see I'm not the only one He affects like that.

Scoff if you wish. Condemn me my heart if it thrills you. Laugh at my seemingly fickle fancies. However, I love him. I'm not ashamed to say it. Nor am I unable to admit that I've always loved Him. Even after He said goodbye. Now He's returned. And while I do not know where this will lead, for the moment it is enough. To have Him around. To know His heart once more. To know how he feels.

This, is what dreams are made of.

The surging tides

I completed all my preparations for my incoming company on Sunday ( the 29th ) and managed to have everything spotless ( near perfect ) for my guests. I can say in all honesty I was completely and totally nervous. Wondering exactly what would, or could happen. Wondering if all was simply a show, or something more. The Eagle and the Panda arrived around 9 pm ( give or take ) and immediately went about adoring the Princess Pea. Not that I can blame them in the least. She is adorable, if nothing else. That night, we didn't really do much. Waited for the Rabbit to arrive home. Ate a late dinner ( ok, very late ) and crashed about one am. The next day however, we ( Eagle, Myself and the Pea ) stayed in and watched movies, ordered in dinner and had ourselves a nice time simply relaxing and relearning each other. The night after, we played poker, ate pizza and drank ( wow did I become a MAJOR lightweight ) It was a fun night. At least I thought it was. And so that I could further enjoy myself. Eagle took over the baby duty. Taking care of the Pea should she need anything. So sweet of Him. The last day however, was the hardest. At least for me. I have never been good at saying fare well, and when the Eagle and Panda had their truck packed up, and were saying goodbye, I cried. I cried for nearly an hour after they left. It's hard on me. Because I love them both so much. Because I care about them and enjoy having them around. They are wonderful people, and I can only say thank you about them being back in my life. I missed them dearly.

The Party

So I went to the Halloween party. Mainly because Bran Muffin encouraged me to do so. Get out of the house. Have a bit of fun. Enjoy life. Princess Pea and I went as Faeries. As I said we would. She was absolutely adorable! Me however, well I kept getting caught in doorways since my wings were so large. I forgot my camera, so no pictures - however other people remembered theirs and promised to make sure that I would get copies. YAY! It actually wasn't a bad get together/party. Everyone had a good time. And as usual, my friend threw a pretty decent bash. Fortunately, it was mostly her family that came ( in laws included ) and I happen to get along quite well with all of them. I particularly like her sister in - law. A sweetheart.

Moving on, I have a FULL plate tomorrow. Got to get up early, clean, scrub, cook, and then get ready for My Guests to show up. Other then that, life is good. Today went well ( although I am officially BEAT ) and I can't wait for tomorrow to arrive.

Til next time all you boils and ghouls. Enjoy your Halloween, and remember...

Sugar High = GOOD!

A new format

Goodness, I hope this turns out alright. Of course, it might just be replaced with the old one in a day or two. However, I do like the 'top secret' thing. Thought it was cute. Not sure I edited it correctly, but I suppose we'll see. Today was a completely horrid day weather wise. Nothing but fog, rain and the occassional light flicker. So, the Princess Pea and I didn't even get our usual walk in. A shame, because that's typically a form of relaxation for me. Getting out, wandering around the park...it all works. Anyway, two days until the Eagle lands. I honestly can't wait, but then I've been saying that for nearly two weeks now I suppose.

In other news, I heard that my Grandfather is doing better. YAY! The powers that be know I worry about Him ( and my Grandmother ) I'm sure I will relax on that front once I get back to Colorado. Due to living with them for the time being.

Anyway, I suppose I ought to go shower and all that jazz. Supposed to go to a Halloween Party tomorrow with Princess Pea, and currently I'm not really sure I want to go. The weather for one ( I don't like having the Pea out in such chilly weather ) and for two, it's more like a get together for family, then a party. Ahh, I wish I were home.

Chilly days, rainy nights

Currently I think the outside temperature is maybe thirty degree's and it's raining. Making for an absolutely gloomy day. Funny thing is, is I'm in a great mood. Yesterday, probably not so much. But now? I feel great. I've been working on the house, making it look at least semi ok for when company gets here this weekend. It certainly wouldn't do to have anyone walk into a cluttered, or dirty house. The plan this weekend is to go to a Haunted House or two, maybe get some role playing in. Other then that, we're winging it. I still find myself looking forward to being around my family again. Letting them bask in the glow of the Princess Pea and myself ( of course ) while managing to get everything taken care of. I don't know how long I will be staying with my Grandparents. I don't want to put them out, and most definately Princess Pea and I have our own stuff and our own lives to be living. I know it will be difficult, however, I am up for the challenge. I am also looking forward to getting to see you guys again. The Tiger, the Sandcatt ( who I wish I could beg to touch up my tattoo's!! Maybe He'll see this and take pity on me! Besides, maybe I can pay him to do number 10. I have an idea and I'd like to see what He can do with it! ) and of course the Bug. On another note, Eagle has a blog - yet He's not posted on it. We must all rally and make him do so!! How dare he create a name and a blog to post comments on ours, and make nothing on his own!! SHAME ON YOU EAGLE!! Speaking of blogs - Cat and Tiger...don't you ever post anymore? I'd like to know at least what idle musings are happening in your life! Fare thee well my friends. Until I post another day.

All Hallows Eve

Halloween is fact approaching and fortunately I managed to get an outfit together for the Princess Pea, and myself. She is going as a baby Faery, and I found adult wings for myself. Therefore, I guess I'll be the ' Mommy ' Faery. On Saturday we are supposed to attend a halloween party, though I'm not sure that we'll stay long. Having an infant means plans are prone to change. But, we'll see. I hope all of you non posting freaks have a wonderful Halloween. No matter what you decide to do. Enjoy it, it's when we can come out and not get laughed at! HA!

Sold quite a bit of stuff at my garage sale, minus the large furniture items. I will probably take out an ad so that people can see they are still for sale. Never know who might want them. If they don't sell, I suppose the Bunny can just keep them. I'll get new stuff eventually.

The Princess pea is doing great. Absolutely wonderful, even during her cranky moods. I thought she was teething, but it appears that the offending tooth decided not to come out and simply sunk back down. So I guess I'll get to go through the crankiness again when she actually pops out with a tooth.

This weekend I get to see the Eagle again, and I honestly can't wait. It's nice to have him in my life again. Calming, grounding, wonderful.

Money, Money, Money!

Today is day two of my garage sale and not only is the weather cooperating, but I think I might actually run out of things to sell! It's going great. To top it off, the Princess Pea is being a perfect angel and entertaining herself with toys and whatnot while I take care of the customers! I can't believe it! This is (in all honesty) the first garage sale I've done myself and so far so good.If people keep showing up in floods like they have been, I won't have anything left for them to purchase. Heck, someone even bought a few of the nicknacks I thought wouldn't sell. There I go for thinking! If the weather is good tomorrow, I shouldn't have too much left to do. I was worried that I might have to make this a several weekend type thing, but I've been fortunate so far. Let's hope it continues!

Meanwhile, I've been thinking about alot of things. What I will do when I get back to Colorado. Who I will bother contacting and or speaking to again. Most of the people I called friend I've grown away from. We just aren't the same people anymore. Then there are the one's I've left behind because we used to clash terribly, and now we're getting along. But, we shall see. I can't wait to see my family again, and even more then that is the fact I can't wait for everyone ( bug excluded ) to meet the Princess Pea.

Eagle has been amazing through everything. A true friend and a shoulder to cry on when I need to. I know I prattle on needlessly about him sometimes, but truly, I am thankful to have him back in my life. He is most definately a grounding energy. Someone who keeps me level just when I start tipping dangerously.

Ahh well, back to making the cash!

Today's post brought to you by the letter W

Wah! What more can I say? Though I have to snicker and laugh at the banter going on between the Bug and the Eagle. Don't Eagle's feed bugs to their young? Anyway - Now that Eagle has 'permission' to be with me from the Bug, I suppose everything is hunky dory. HAHA! It is really sweet that my sister wants to protect me. It truly is. And despite the fact she doesn't think herself as being a SweetHeart. Her actions prove to the contrary. After all, she is being awful protective of me now isn't she? It is odd to me to have her being so protective. Due to the fact growing up it was I who looked after her. Now all of a sudden she desires to flip the page and look after me. Is that part of being family? Or part of growing up? Or maybe both? Either way, I am thankful she thinks so highly of me. But, I hope she remembers that Eagle was never mean or cruel to me before. He took good care of me and put up with all my less than charming traits. He stayed around when I was sick. He could have left. He protected me. Stood up for me. Helped me in more ways then even I can begin to describe. Then there is the wonderful feeling we both have around each other. Something that not even time can change. It's still there. The rush and press. The bubbling energy that threatens to break the dam. He's a good man. One I am glad, and even thankful to have in my life. Whatever the relationship is between him and I . But enough of that prattle. I will move onto what I am looking forward to. What I am doing. All that mindless jazz which I am sure you all ( who haven't posted on their blogs in quite some time..tsk tsk ) enjoy. I find myself looking forward to the end of the month. The Bunny Foo's date. Then there is the fact I will lay these cat eye greens on the Eagle once more. It's all so close, and yet seemingly so far. However, patience is a virtue. Just one I never seemed to have before. Of course, having a child gives you patience ( or forces you to learn it ) in spades. On the 28th is my friends Halloween party. I was hoping that the Eagle could be there for it, but alas, such isn't to be. So, she will have to deal with having just me and the Princess Pea ( who is going to be a Faery ) Each day I go through a bit more stuff. Trying to get everything together to sell so that I can fund my way back to Colorado. Well, that's not true. Princess Pea and I have a plane ticket already. It's getting the Pea's stuff back to Colorado that I am trying to accomplish. Wish me luck huh? If all goes well, Myself, Princess Pea and the stuff we desire to hang onto will be in Colorado in December. YAY!!!!

Goodie

My Princess Pea is officially 4 months old. Scary thing is, it feels like I just brought her home from the hospital and started doing this whole " Mommy " thing. However, I must say that despite the time that has passed. I still wake every morning with a smile. Because of Her. I am blessed. I am still talking with my Dark Angel, the Eagle. He and I have spent numerous hours on the phone just chatting it up. Exploring our new lives and enjoying that which passes between us so naturally. On a side note, the Bunny Foo has a date at the end of the month. Something which I hope goes well for him and the female He is taking out. Lord knows they could both use someone unlike their 'norm'. Yes, I set up my ex husband. Creepy? Maybe. But then it will give him a chance to move on no?

Worry Schmurry

It's been pointed out to me that I worry too much. Too often. Perhaps I do. Yet I find in myself that I am worrying about those things that affect me. I no longer worry about dinner burning, or chopping up a utensil in the garbage disposal. These, are little things. However, worrying about what will become of me and my daughter seems a solid worry. Something I should be thinking about. Nevertheless, worry I do. Worry I will until I have no reason to. On another note, I have been talking to the Eagle more and more. I quite enjoy our conversations and find myself looking forward to them. It is as if weight lifts from my shoulders simply speaking with him. Ok, you all can laugh, shake your heads and pick on me for that, but fact of the matter is, I enjoy talking to him. Being around him. I feel normal again. Beautiful. Intelligent. I'm not just the invisable mom. He makes me feel wonderful. A feeling no one can laugh at. I can honestly say in this, I am not confused. No, I don't know what will happen. But I do know that right now, I am enjoying what has come my way.

The page turns

Finally the Rabbit has decided to let me go. It only took a decade to get certain points to light. Now, regardless of what people might say. He is a dear friend, and the father of my daughter. So no sharing your ill thoughts alright? After all, He was able to give me the greatest gift of all. My Princess Pea. The great and mighty Squishy Marie.

The Eagle is still very much so in my life. We are talking on the phone, exchanging e-mails and even regular letters. Of course, those that actually know the Eagle know that a letter from Him is like finding something special and antique. Very Rare!

Today I also found out the Bug is now employed! To her I can only say congrats. That I hope it works out the way she wants it to. Save that money. Don't spend it without thought or regard. Don't give in to what others might want you to do with it. Make sure you put a certain amount away per pay day, and only keep out what you have to in order to survive. But, that is my advice. I'm sure she's already gotten tons of that!

I can also thankfully say that my Grandfather is home finally from the hospital. Though I am sure His life is changed. What with needing oxygen now. Puts a real cramp on smoking I bet! HA!

Ahh well, my drugs are finally kicking in. So, I shall end here and say simply that I cannot wait until I am home in Colorado once more.

Oh yes

Oh yes, I intend on being single for quite some time. Simply because I have better things to take care of then some simpering, whining, controlling, obsessive male. HA!

That is unless the ultra divine Matt came back into my life. In which case....all bets are off.


Anyway, had my surgery, so no more kids for me. I'm in pain, and I have to go lay back down. I just wanted to say thank you to you guys. One, for your advice - and two, for letting me know you are still around.

Tiger - Coffee sounds great, even though I still don't drink it. Hope you understand that my Squishy will likely be with me when we do.

Sandcatt - Great Advice. and don't worry, I intend to take it.

Bug - Don't worry, life WILL get better. Until it does, hang with Sandcatt and Tiger as much as they'll let you.

Is anyone out there?

I'm truly starting to wonder to be honest. As my life is right now a clustering of boxes and items too dear to part with. Further are the boxes of items that I will part with, sell and otherwise forget exsisted. Oh me...what can be done except to accept the current situation as it is? Even now, with such happening in my life my mind spins outward. Seeking the Eagle with such joy I shouldn't be allowed to feel.

Yet, feel it I do. Even with my life crumbling down around my shoulders ( albeit quite voluntarily ) I feel such things for someone who once walked away and played the part of never wishing to see me. Can I, should I accept that which fate has brought back into my life? Or should I spin around and walk away? I'm scared. Scared on what future may hold for me, and more importantly for my daughter. The Princess Pea is my first thought. For I will not allow her to grow up confused. That, is something I cannot allow.

Alas, it is time I part ways with this blog. At least for the time being. Perhaps another day my thoughts will have stepped from the fog. Yet I fear that won't happen until I return home to the loving and welcoming arms of my family. Moreso, that it will not happen until the Eagle takes flight once more. Where ever his wings might steal him.

Oh boy...News News News

It's been quite some time since I bothered to post. Numerous reasons for that. For one, there is the fact that I managed to blow up my computer. Now, I know you all are wondering what happened. Lets just say there was a bright flash of light, a popping sound and then smoke. Yippee! For two, I am a mother now, and I don't really have as much time as I used to to play online and all that jazz. Baby first, other things second. And, for three - I've been working on seperating from the Rabbit. Numerous reasons for that - so I will simply leave it at the fact neither of us were happy. I am sure people can understand that reasoning. So many things have happened to be honest. And I'm just not sure where to begin, or even if I want people knowing everything. I can say this much - One thing that has completely and without a doubt lightened my heart is the fact that the Eagle, The Dark Angel has come back into my life. He always did have wonderful timing. Whenever my life seemed like there was no way up, there he is extending his hand and his friendship. I never realized how much I missed him until I saw him again. How my heart ached. I got to see him around my Squishy and I can honestly say that too caused me quite a bit of happiness. To see how good he was around her...amazing. Now, hopefully everyone will take all this as I have said it and NOT put any commentary between the lines so to speak. I've missed you all, I can admit that. In December I will be moving back to Colorado and I honestly can't wait. And yes, my daughter will be with me. Alas, I must leave off here...thunderstorm has blown in and power flickers. Adieu Mon Ami's!

Time for an update

Not that there is much to update. I feel like I post on this dang thing eight times more than anyone else, and I still say it's the Bugs fault for turning me onto this contraption of minor contemplation.

Found out recently that a friend of mine has a crush on me. While I find this flattering and perhaps even a little ego boosting, I'm not quite sure how to take such information. Mainly because having it admitted to me is far different from not knowing. Of course, such is the way with such information. But enough of my mindless prattle on that front.

Part of me truly misses Colorado currently. Perhaps it's the simple fact that I know if I were in Colorado right now I'd be over at my Grandmothers, shooting the breeze, gossiping about people we really know little or nothing about, complaining about prices and fawning over the assorted kids in my family. That is of course, how I spent my days off last summer. I can't wait to go home for Christmas. Mainly because I sorely miss my Grandmother. She is so much more than family to me. She's one of my best friends, and knowing that - distance definately makes the heart grow fonder.

I know I'll make it through this small bout of home sickness, but every now and then it hits me and makes me think of the wonderful times, even the bad times that I went through with my family.

Todays thoughts brought to you by the letter Zzzz

It's been another hectic day. The days here have started out rainy and dreary, only to end heated up by mid-afternoon sun. Hence making it humid and sticky. Now, normally I'd just stay inside and soak up the AC. One problem however, I don't have AC. Except fans in each room and a couple floor fans. Said heat - makes it miserable for myself, my husband, and our baby girl.

Speaking of the Princess Pea - she had her one month checkup and is doing fine. Already she's up to 10 pounds, 5 ounces. Gone from 19 and a half inches to 22 and a half inches. Everything about her is growing and according to the Doctors she's well ahead of the game. They were very pleased with her reactions to things and stimulus. Saying she's in the top of the expected percentile of babies her age. YAY! Could I have a baby genius on my hands? We'll see!

Moving on - had to get rid of my Great Dane. She wasn't safe around the baby. She nipped once when we first brought the Pea home and I thought it might just be jealousy. Unfortunately, she did it again and the safety of my daughter is much more important than keeping a dog.

I suppose that's the minutes. There isn't much going on in my life. I hope the Bug is ok and getting her things together that she needs to accomplish. I suppose I'll find out eventually. Take care and I look forward to reading your posts soon!

Ok, so I'm a sap!

Yesterday I saw the Bug to the bus stop and when I hugged her goodbye I simply cried. I told myself I wouldn't. Told myself that at 26 I am strong enough to say goodbye to someone I love without crying. Unfortunately, I wasn't. I cried. I cried more on the way back home. Already I miss my sister. She was a huge help when she was out here for one. For two she gave me company, and the third thing is that despite her being 16 and therefore onry - she was a good Aunt to the Pea and a good friend to me.

Hopefully she'll pass her GED, get herself a job that she can prove she's stable with and then when she's got the money she can move out here and be with us. Of course, such plans are prone to change, however I can hope right?

Otherwise, things are pretty much back to normal here. Same stuff, different day I suppose.

Wee Haw

Yeah ok, so the title sucks but I couldn't think of anything else in the way of titles. Bite me. Today was rather uneventful. Well, as much as it can be having a two week old baby. HA!
Had a water fight with my husband and sister. Ate left overs. Really nothing spectacular.

Oddly enough however, on my MySpace page I did find an old high school friend. One I hitched a ride with to prom. So that was nice. She's got a couple kids and has been married six years. Congrats to her.

Also, was located by my old friend Niki. I'm not quite sure where that will head to. But, such is life.

And, I have to say that a comment I got on one of my posted pictures at MySpace made me smile ( and dang near cry )

There you go - that's my lot to offer tonight - maybe more another night.

Unfortunately

Well - while I had my daughter fifteen days ago, I have unfortunately had some complications. I thought I was all done with the pain and what not. However my body has different plans. So - depending on my Doctors say so tomorrow I might have to have a DNC. I hear it's nothing huge and that I will make it no problem. However it is still considered a surgery and because such comes with all the risks surgery involves. I admit I'm a little hesitant and scared. But if I don't have the DNC I could get a blood clot and that could cause death. So - I suppose I'll bite the bullet and have a DNC if I absolutely have to. But, I'm still scared.

Moving on - If I have to have the DNC my mother might let my sister stay an extra week. Of course that means changing her bus ticket and making sure all is taken care of. We'll see tomorrow of course. Her tattoo ( which shocked me that she got one ) is healing rather well. Though due to the lotion she was using, and the itching that she felt during sleep it will need a touch up. Nothing too bad mind you. It's a beautiful tattoo. But I'm bias considering roses are my favorite flower.

My cousin Matthew is in Colorado currently visiting the family. Part of me certainly wishes I was there as well. However, since I'm not - I can only hope they are thinking fondly of me and that everyone is having fun.

The Princess Pea is doing great. She had a check up the other day and already she's up to 9 pounds and 1 ounce. She's only fifteen days old and already has gained two pounds. A weight gain they don't typically expect in babies until they are two weeks old. My child however has proven that she's VERY healthy and means to put on the weight to support such a life. I'm happy for it. The unfortunate thing is we're going through formula like crazy. Because a bottle every two hours ( at four ounces each ) isn't enough. I may have to bump her up to six ounces just to make her happy. Or, I might have to do what my Grandmother did for my Uncle and add some rice cereal to the mix. We'll see.

That's my minutes I suppose. Hope to be able to post good news soon about the out come of my DNC.

I'm surprised

I must admit I am shocked. Today - my half brother actually showed up. He's tried to make it out here a couple times prior. The first time He didn't make it. Claiming that he ran out of money for gas, and got lost. Of course I didn't hear that excuse until the Bug called him and chewed him out for not calling me and telling me since I waited around all day.

The second time He tried to come out He made it. However He came with His mother ( my step mother ) and she drove the whole way. That was on the ninth of June. The day Rebecca was actually due. Of course, they didn't stay too long. A few hours. But I honestly enjoyed their company. I was sorry that they came down and missed the "Big Event" however. I know they were hoping that she'd be born on my Fathers birthday.

Today however He made it down here. Not really alone however. He had a car full of His friends ( they had come from Toledo. A concert ) He didn't stay more than two hours ( bummer ) but I did get pictures of Him holding His niece. So at least there is that. And, as witnessed in the picture to the left - He brought something for Rebecca. Apparently His Grandmother ( on his mothers side ) made Rebecca a baby blanket. It's beautiful and far better than anything I've tried to make.

He picked on the Bug a bit. Always with the utmost supervision. ( they can't be trusted alone you see. What with the weird mutual crush they appear to have on each other ) We played hacky sack..and then He left. It wasn't anything special but it was nice of Him to at least stop by.

In other news - My little Pea is doing fine. Packing on the weight and seeming to enjoy the whole 'baby life' thing she's got going. She only has one hour a day where she's crying and nothing seems to make her happy. Usually at three to four am. Otherwise, I would say I lucked out and got a very happy and mellow baby. Of course, things are prone to change as she develops and gets older, but for now I'm happy to have a baby who is so mellow.

Princess Pea

Yet another day of being Mommy. Not that that's going to change anytime soon. I still marvel at the life I brought into this crazy world. How wonderfully perfect she seems to me. Already I find myself fiercely protective. But I suppose that's something that comes with giving birth. The basic need to protect and guide.

Had a nice conversation with my mother online last night. Nothing too deep mind you, but the topics covered were definately nice and truthfully it was nice to be able to talk to her about things. Even the mundane things that were going through my mind.

My sister is still here ( will be til the 30th ) and while I worry still that she is bored with being here...I try very hard to at least entertain her somewhat. Mainly she's been playing on the computers when she isn't needed for some help, chore or what have you. And, she's been doing me the favor of doing my hair so it's not on my neck ( which keeps me cool during the heat of the day ). I know I will cry when I send her off on the bus. And, I know that I will miss her desperately until I can see her again ( Christmas ) but at least I got to see her.

My brother claims He is coming out to meet His niece. However, I don't see it happening. Last time He tried to come out on his own He got lost. So the second attempt He made ( while I was still pregnant ) He had to bring His mother and let her drive out here. Which all in all wasn't bad. My step mother isn't a bad woman. And, she does make beautiful jewelry as a hobby.

Well, that's the news on my end. Though I must admit I suddenly feel like I'm babbling to the silent masses. Perhaps I am. HA!

Who knew?

Who knew Motherhood would be so great. Even when she's fussing I find myself completely thrilled at the presense of my daughter. I never knew there could be a love so strong, so wonderful. Yet - there it is. Staring me in the face.


Today has been a particularly mellow day. Lots of rest and recoup. Lots of feedings and diapers. But otherwise uneventful.

My sister has been a wonderful help. I'm fortunate that my Grandparents sent her out here to help me. She takes care of alot of the small tasks so that I might have more time taking care of and bonding with my daughter. Bless her heart.

That's the minutes I suppose.

Sweet Dreams

It's another day of being 'Mommy'. Day seven to be exact. One whole week. Kinda scary how time flies when you are having fun huh?

Anyway - not much news here.


Rebecca had a Doctors appointment and it went well. Considering when she was born she was 7 lbs, 11 and a half ounces. When we left the hospital she had dropped to 7 lbs, 5 ounces. In less than a week ( her Doctors appointment was yesterday ) she had gained weight and was weighing in at 7 lbs, 14 ounces and had grown from 19 inches to 20 and a half inches. The Doctor is very impressed with her progress. Considering they usually don't see any kind of weight gain for the first 14 days of life. Typically it's weight loss. So, I must be doing something right. We also named her Godparents. My best friend Frankie and her husband Matt..and my Uncle Jason. We figure that keeps her covered as far as that goes.

The Bug has been a huge help with everything. Helping me around the house with minor tasks like laundry, sweeping and taking out the trash. Bless her heart for being so helpful. I know she wants to help with the baby more - but being a new mom I am monopolising ( sp? ) my time with my baby. However, in all other things she's been wonderful help. I'm glad my family sent her out to be with me. Though I do worry she's bored. Even though I warned her small town life isn't that fast paced or hectic. I hope when she does return to Colorado she doesn't look at her 'vacation' as a regret. We'll see though.

Even the Husband has come around and been more helpful than usual. He spoils his daughter and makes sure she and I have everything we need. He provides, and I am thankful that He's ( thus far ) started becoming a wonderful Daddy.

I suppose that's the minutes. As I said, nothing much going on. It's life as usual in Hicksville and I like it that way.

Many smiles and joys upon you!!

I'm in Awe

Everytime I hold her - everytime I look at her - everytime I feed her I can only think " I did this ". I never thought love could be something so strong as it is right now. The love a Mother has ( or should have ) for her child is amazing. Moreso than I could have ever expected.

Holding her tiny hand in mine, looking down into those smoky blue eyes, even listening to her cry for food, attention or a changing makes my heart soar.

I already have so many hopes for the Princess Pea. Mainly that she grows up enjoying her childhood. Enjoying life. That she learns all she can. That she is happy with whatever choices she makes, and that even when she thinks she hates me ( and she will ) she knows I love her.

Already I coddle her, cuddle her, spoil her. Already I find myself keenly protective and doating. It's only been six days. I know in the hospital the first night I was up until 2 am. When I fell asleep they came ( the nurses ) and took her from my room. I woke up at 4 am and freaked out. 'Where's my baby!!'. They brought her to me immediately.

Did my affection, adoration and love for her begin the second I gave birth? Or had it started long before that? I can't say for sure. I only know that she is the most important thing in the world to me and that no matter what ( good or bad ) I shall love her til my last breath.

Welcome to Ohio, Bug

It's official, the Bug is in Ohio. She made it safely ( despite my worries ) and despite whatever anyone thought we ( my friend Frankie and I ) picked her up in Chicago. Why? Well - her being so well endowed and young, neither I or my friend could see her waiting around Chicago safely at night. So we drove there ( it's only 3 hours from me ) and picked her up there instead. My Grandmother appears to understand why it was done. My mother however is a little upset about it. I just tried to do for the Bug what I felt was best. Safety first. HAHA!

Anyway - time to feed the Princess Pea.

Isn't she Cute?!

This is Rebecca Marie

A new baby!

She has arrived!!

Her name is Rebecca Marie
Born June 13th, 2006
7 lbs 11 ounces
Red hair, blue eyes!


Yay me, I'm officially a Mommy!

Goodie!!

Tomorrow at 8 am ( that being the 13th folks ) I go to the hospital and they induce labor. Which means by tomorrow night ( if everything goes well ) I will be a Mommy! Watch out world. HA!


My kid sister leaves on the 16th and arrives the 17th so not only will I have a new baby, I'll get to see the Bug too.

Can life get any better?!!

Joy

Well, I still haven't had the baby yet. Here and I thought I'd be done and over this whole pregnancy thing on the ninth. Here it is the 11th and still nothing. Except a large belly and a kid who feels like they are kick boxing my ribs. Ahh well.

On another note, my kid sister is supposed to be coming out on the 16th of this month. She won't arrive til the 17th, but it will certainly be nice to see her. I know she's excited about it. I'm glad my Grandparents were willing to send her out to see me. After all, they are the one's footing the bill. Due to my mother not having the cash flow. A feeling I know a little too well being a 'home owner' and all. It's hard that first year.

Anyway, I suppose that's the minutes. Nothing else new to report.

Not the Ninth

So yesterday was my 'due date' and hate to inform you all but I am still pregnant. Apparently the baby didn't want to show up when the Doctors thought she would. Not that I'm surprised. I thought the date was off anyway for one, and for two, first pregnancies usually carry longer than any suspects from the beginning.

However, yesterday was a nice day. Had a nice BBQ and my brother ( Erinn ) and my Step Mother ( Caroline ) came down from Detroit and spent some time with me. I was definately thrilled to see them both. Poor Erinn was lacking on sleep which was mostly his fault from burning the candle at both ends, but He was happy to see me I'm sure. At least, I hope so. HA!

Other than that - can't say much is going on. My ankle is finally out of it's wrap and splint and I'm getting around just fine. Yippee.

Hehe, Ooops

Well, despite my efforts to avoid such - I managed to hurt myself again. Damnit. This time I once again twisted my ankle. The one I've already fractured twice. So, once again I find myself in a walking cast. On Doctors orders to keep my foot up, use ice, and if needed tylenol. Fortunately it's just a sprain. A bad one, but only that. It's quite suprising how quickly a limb swells when it's been wounded. I couldn't believe it. They nearly had to cut off my sandal. Which would have SUCKED.

So, sorry Tiger - I tried though. Really I did.

Oh - and meet Susie. ( The picture is of her ) My six month old Great Dane pup. Ain't she adorable?

Anyway, six days and counting til I'm 'due' to go into the hospital. That is if the baby wants to arrive on her 'due date'. We'll see.

Many joys and happiness to you all.

Rainbows and Roses

While I do wish rainbows and roses for people. I don't think I meant it to come across as being worn. However , the image of the Sandcatt decked out in one or the other, or both is mildly amusing. Thank you for the smile and laughter on that one.

Tomorrow will not, however, be rainbows and roses for my Great Dane pup. She gets fixed tomorrow and while I doubt she realizes what is coming down the wire for her...I'm sure she'll hold a grudge because of it. She was mistreated anyway, and is just now coming 'out' of her shell. Realizing that myself and my husband won't hurt her. Hopefully she'll get over her grudge rather quickly and forgive me for what must be done. After all, I don't want puppies running around. No thank you.

Went to the Doctors today. Woke up and couldn't feel my left arm. I was worried that the Reynolds syndrom had returned. After all, I was diagnoised with it when I was fifteen and while only a couple years ago ( I was told I was mis-diagnoised ) it had me worried. So, better safe than sorry I went. Found out I pinched a nerve and while the Doc realigned my back to try to help ( it didn't ) I am now on a non-medicine treatment of icy hot, stretching and relaxation. Oh joy.

Well, there's my news and thoughts. Exciting wasn't it?

Is it snooping?

In my search on the web, something done simply to pass the time I ran across my Mothers live journal. Now, I know it's not really snooping, since it is posted ONLINE. However I couldn't help but feel guilty about reading it and her not knowing. I read, and read. I went into archives and read even more. Strangely enough, I am mentioned a couple times. And each time in semi good context.

I can agree with her in one thing however - Why our family manages to get along. To be close at all is something that boggles the mind. After everything we've been through, put each other through, we still manage to love each other and if nothing else tolerate each other when we need to. I am fortunate to have the family I do have. Even if it is strange, crazy and half the time dysfunctional. Alright, so it's mostly dysfunctional.

I find myself missing them all quite dearly as my due date approaches. Mainly because the birth of a child is supposed ot be around family and friends. I am in Ohio with very few of either. My only perk is that come Christmas I will be in Colorado for a visit and everyone will get to see me and my baby.

My biological brother - Erinn - the one the Otter has a crush on, says he wants to come out closer to when the baby is due. Of course, I'm not holding my breath quite yet. He said He was coming out last time and never made it. I only heard from him AFTER Otter chewed him out. How unfair is that?

My thoughts are still very much so with my brother Tiger, Sandcatt and the Otter. I hope each are doing well and are happy. They all deserve all that life can give them. All the rainbows and roses they can stand.

I suppose that's the minutes. Take care and blessings to you all.

Two Weeks

Two weeks and counting til there will be a new life brought into the world.
Truthfully, I'm still scared and excited. Worried about the pain I know will come with labor. So, I'm in no rush to go into labor, at least not for that reason. I can't wait to not be pregnant anymore. Get my body back, be able to EAT things I want to eat. Do things I'd like to do.

Heard from my friends Vic and Aileen today. Poor Vic lost his mother to cancer. Which I was horribly sorry to hear. She will be missed. But now she is in a better place with no more pain.

That's the minutes I suppose.

Your turn.

Baby Dog

Today I had to put my dog Baby down. She was having so many problems, and she wasn't eating and barely drinking. She wasn't making it outside to go to the bathroom. And, she was old. So, I made the choice after much debate and while I know she is in a better place now - I really will miss her. She was a good dog.

My support during this time however is Susie - the Great Dane pup my husband brought home. Fortunately she's attached to me and very protective of me. So, my attention can be focused on her as the only dog.

Part of me thinks that Baby being sick and old like she was, is part of the reason my husband brought Susie home. Someone to keep me company when it was finally time to let go of Baby.

She will be missed. I pray she finds better fields in her new life. That many bones and treats will be hers.

I wonder

Thoughts have been raging through my head since my conversation with my little sister. Mainly because if what she feels is true, then we are in for a world of shock. Mainly, her biological father. Now I'm not saying the man is cream of the crop by any means. Infact, I can't remember much about him I actually liked. However, He is my little sisters biological father and therefore she should be allowed to meet him and form her own opinion of the man. Good or bad.

The Otter has a right to know who her father is. A right to see Him. To judge him on her own. Like I did with my biological father. Now, mind you in the end my father wasn't much of one. Nor did He bother to keep in touch when He was alive. Now that He has passed however, I wish he and I had had more time. If only so I could make up my own mind about him without anyones input. The Otter has that right. Not to be told the man is 'dead' if he truly isn't. Not to be hidden away from someone who carries her blood. Someone who could tell her if nothing else her heritage and bloodline. Medical things. If nothing else of course.

But then there is the wishful thinking of my mother. If she doesn't want contact with someone, such as her daughters father, then that man is 'dead' and not worth talking about. Not worth trying to explain and therefore just another dark secret.

Whatever happens, I hope the right choices are made. For EVERYONE involved. But mainly for my little sister. She might still be a kid, but even a kid has rights.

Memoirs

Last night I fell prey to watching Memoirs of a Geisha. Damn good movie, but then again it's also a chick flick and being a chick I'm prone to liking it. The scary thing is, that during certain moments in the movie I could look into my own life and compare. To sit there and say at one point in time I felt like that, was intimidating to say the least. However, two hours later the movie was over and surprisingly I wasn't crying! Though in the beginning I thought I might do just that. If you haven't seen it, I would recommend it. That is, if you don't mind chick flicks and all.

Reading through posts and blogs of those I care for, I only snicker and smile. For certainly the Tiger has watched from afar. However, I never quite considered Him being close to the Otter. Of course, that's because all I remember when I think of those two together is her throwing a tantrum and Tiger having 'gotten enough' putting in his own two cents. Needless to say, the Otter didn't scream for the rest of the day. While all us 'older' people were in the living room trying very hard not to bust a button with laughter. We managed it. Somehow.

I have no doubt that everyone has their own lives back there in Colorado. A life I walked out of for my numerous reasons. A life that I don't intend on rushing back to anytime soon. At least, not for the long haul. Christmas is one thing, forever is another. There is little reason for me to return and stay in Colorado anymore. I've made my friends, and enemies. Yet it's both I leave behind for the chance at happiness. A happy I've not known in a few years. Not since Matt. I think I deserve that.

Then again, most people think they deserve something, when they really do not.

A new day...Mothers Day

How absolutely odd. This morning I got a call from my half brother- Erinn. Who wished me a Happy Mothers day, and then went on to tell me He wants to be around when I have the baby. I'm not quite sure what to think. After all, He was supposed to come down a couple weekends ago, and I just now hear that He got lost and didn't have the gas to make it.

Last night, I talked with my sister and Grandma, and they both wished me a Happy Mothers day. It's weird, mainly because I didn't know when such a title would be mine. While having a child does indeed make me a Mother genetically, it won't make me one where it counts. I pray I do a better job then my own mother. For personal reasons as well as logical.

It's strange to say the least to have yet one more holiday that is mine to celebrate. And not just for my own mother and Grandmother. I'm not quite sure what to make of it yet. But then, I suppose it's perfectly natural to sit and ponder the universe when you are bringing life into it.

Moving on - all is well here. From My oldest pet, Baby. To the youngest ( and largest ) Susie. I'm still waiting on that e-mail from Tiger. Darn Him. And wondering why no one else has posted on their blogs. Come on people!! I need something to read!!

Hmm

I wonder if I have to go kick in some blond butt or if it was a mutual thing that simply didn't work out. Cause I'm close enough to kick her to and fro for a bit. And pregnant or not, I wouldn't mind doing so. Though mainly for my own reasons.

Yes, I moved to Ohio. Plenty of reasons for that.

One - The gentleman living with my mother ( not her husband ) made my life less than bearable.

Two - My mother and her opinions on the way I was living my life were no longer welcome.

Three - Cheaper housing, better paying jobs.

Four - Home ownership. Yes, that's right, I own my own home. I am -cough- a responsible adult.

Five - Colorado was stressing me out. In more ways than what is listed here.

Doesn't it just figure that when I move to try and get closer to someone I love, i.e. the Tiger, He up and goes back to Colorado. One day I'll get this right !!

Wow...or should I say Hazzzah?

Sometimes posting on this thing has led me to deep contemplative wells. Searching mind and heart for answers that choose not to come. So I turn here and pray another can answer those questions that were never put voice to, or only just found. Now I find myself asking this of my brother -

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?

Understandably He might choose not to post such a story on here. So I give to Him my e-mail - and pray He uses it wisely HA!

DesertBlades@verizon.net

I have missed the Great Tiger in my life, once more for too long. Had I known He was leaving Ohio, around the time I came up here...I would have given to him my spare room. -poke- However, fate plays it's game in mysterious ways. I hope He never forgot that despite my anger towards him, I have always loved him. Seperation is such a pain.

Just Wondering

I find myself wondering what happened to certain people in my life. Past and Present. The one man I would call my 'Dad', obviously not my biological Father, has been M.I.A. for quite some time. I know when I last saw him, He was suffering cancer. My fear, is that He has passed on to the 'happy hunting ground'. Jim was a great man. Funny, Intelligent, had great taste.

Then there is Bear. A.K.A. Ken. I know from His mother ( because I managed to hang onto some addresses ) that He is no longer with us. Apparently God punched His ticket and said His time was up. Fortunately I know before He went that He got married and enjoyed His life. He will be missed by those who knew him.

Then there is my adopted Mom. Lady Summer. I haven't spoken to her much these past years. A fault all my own to be sure. I'm horrid at keeping touch with those who have touched my heart. I can only pray she is doing well. That she is happy and healthy.

Toss in the wayward adopted 'brother' Tiger. Who moved to Ohio and even though I am in the same state with him, I can't seem to contact him whatsoever. A shame really, because after he and I got back in touch with each other we promised that we wouldn't lose touch again. Shame is, we've done just that and I find myself angry at Him for not keeping His end of the deal. After all, I've called and written to the address where I knew He was staying. Yet I hear nothing in return. Perhaps I am only 'sister' when He needs me. I don't know.

I guess in my own way I regret losing touch with these people. For each of them touched me in a way that no other has. They helped me, they guided me, they gave me advice and loved me for who I was and am. I was lucky to have each of them in my life at one point or another. I only wish I could talk to them again. Even if just for one moment. To say Thank you.

But then again, I might just be crazy and sentimental.

Right?

Sage Advice

Most of the advice I've gotten has been very helpful. I must thank the Catt for His. Though I know He will never be a Father ( due to choice I am sure ) He has alot of good thoughts when it comes to children. Perhaps that is because He's watched so many kids get so messed up by their parents. Who knows.

I don't desire to raise my child anything like my mother raised me. That isn't to say she didn't do the best she could with the knowledge she had...it's just to say that every 'new' parent tells themselves they will do better then their parents did. That they won't do certain things. That they'll listen, watch over, love and keep their kids. Raising them til the day they are able to walk out the door on their own and forge their own path in life.

I have gotten, as gifts, all the " What to Expect " books. From pregnancy onward to the toddler years. Already, without the kid even being born I find them to be valuable sources of information. Plus, thanks to my Grandmother as well as the mother in law I am getting magazines that offer advice and commentary for the new mother. They too are helpful. But all these are just idea's and things that other people have done. In the end, I'll have to decide what works best for me, and my family.

As for friends with children. I have a couple. One friend ( who I am the Godmother of her two girls ) I thought would have hellion children. Being that she was rowdy in her years. However, never have I seen two more well behaved, well mannered, well cared for kids. Then we bring in the two I thought would have perfect children. Being that the mother was raised with manners. And I must admit, never have I seen more spoiled rotten, bratty children in my life. Not even my little sister growing up was as bad as these two. Already I've seen what to do in certain circumstances, and what not to do. But again, I suppose that's all based on view.


On another note, I found out about my little sisters hospital stay. Though when she told me I didn't quite get everything she was trying to say. Mainly because I don't think she rememebered everything that happened. I hope that all her Doctors appointments go as they should and they pronounce her once more healthy. But, as we all know, she will always be a heart patient. Even when we think she's doing just fine...her ticker could be something completely different. But, she is as always, in my thoughts and prayers.

I suppose that's all I can say on both matters for the time being. Though I thank everyone for their advice. I will definately keep that all in mind....Just remember this in parting....

It is never wise to play leap frog with a Unicorn.

Wondering -

Ok, so it's a new day. A new month. And not long until I'm officially a Mother. I find myself scared and excited all at once. Scared because I don't want to mess this up. Excited because this is part of me. This is a new life. I try not to dwell on it, but now and then my mind certainly wonders which of these things I might do. Mess up her life, which most children think their parents have done at one point or another. Or, spoil her so much ( because I only plan on having one ) that she turns into a little brat. Neither of these things do I want to do, but doesn't every new parent make a mistake at one point or another?

Moving on - I have a new addition to the family. My husband brought home a Great Dane. She's six months old, and extremely timid. She's 'learning' what a leash is. I fear she was never on one. I think she was probably just left outside for most of her puppy-hood. She's sweet though, and though I hate the name, she answers to Susie.

Can't say I have anything else to report. SSDD as the saying goes. Yippee!

Tattoo's and Such

To address the wonderful haha by my darling kid sister - I am glad the Catt is doing your tattoo. Personally, I think that's just right. Just how it should be. After all, He did all but one of mine. And I have 9. To this day, He is the ONLY one I trust to come at me with any type of needle. I don't know why. Perhaps it was hours and hours of Him carefully inking up my skin. Or maybe it runs deeper than that. I suppose that's also why I've never bothered to go to any other artist. The work I have belongs to the Catt alone, and therefore I believe it is right for me to want Him to do any touch up I might need. It would desperately break my heart if someone else ruined what the Catt put His heart into. Still, when people ask me where I had a particular piece done, the answer is always the same. Though out here in the sticks, it's doesn't happen as frequent. I know the Catt will take special care of the Bug's artwork. Afterall, He is part of what keeps myself and the Bug sane. A little cricket on our shoulder - though in our case, it comes in the form of a Wild Sandcat.