ok folks

So you know, I am NO LONGER POSTING ON THIS BLOG!!

If you want to read where I am posting NOW, you may look HERE -

http://adulationsslave.livejournal.com/

Thank you, and have a nice day!

A long night in the hospital

You know, ironically I keep writing here like someone actually reads this. I suppose it helps my own mental stability. But then, who knows. Maybe, just maybe, one of my lost friends reads this to connect with me. I don't know.

Spent last night in the hospital with my daughter. At around midnight she started gasping for air, unable to breath. I rushed her to Childrens. We get there, they take her in, do pulse and all that. Next thing you know we're put in a room, she's given steriods and a cool mist treatment. Then, she's given a nebulizer (sp?) treatment. Then they put her on oxygen since her breathing isn't getting ANY better. Turns out she has Croup, and we end up staying the night in the hospital.

They sent us home around 10 am this morning. She's doing a bit better, but requires constant attention due to breathing difficulties. She's to be watched carefully for 5-7 days!

I am worried, but glad we caught it early enough. Croup, can still kill small kids, and since my daughter is only 16 months...she's one of the lucky ones. Got treatment ontime, before it got bad.

That was my night. I think the new Childrens Hospital is BEAUTIFUL, but I'm sick of seeing it ALREADY.

Waiting in Heaven

My grandfather died Friday morning, and while I am not crying while typing this...my heart aches. He was a very special man to me. He was not just my grandfather, but my father figure. Perhaps I take this harder than most, He was afterall, in my life for 28 years. He means so much to me, and now He is gone. I just saw Him thursday, and He told me He felt GREAT! How can a man go from feeling great, to DEAD?! I ache, heart and soul. I know He no longer hurts. I know He was sick. I know He's finally out of the shell He was stuck in, and therefore in 'a better place'. That doesn't take the pain away. That doesn't fix what is in so many pieces right now. The whole family is going to a viewing today. Then He'll go to Arlington. I can't believe I'll never see Him again!!

My Grandfather - I love you so much. I will miss you and for ever and always remember the things you said. Your stories, your advice, your hugs and kisses. The wild horse, and the gentle pony. You are always in my heart, and I love you.

Mmm, Thoughts

So many things have been going on. I'm not even sure what I put in my last post. Of course, if I bothered READING it, then I Would know. Alas, I didn't...so I might repeat. Pardon me, if I do. The Rabbit is truck driving and appears to enjoy it. He starts His days at 3 am, poor thing. But, it keeps us in a warm home with food and all the basic's. Which, is always a plus. The Princess Pea is doing great. Can say 30 some odd words and is almost 16 months old. She has a doctors appointment in 2 days. Shots and check up. I'm already twitching about it. I've never enjoyed her going to the doctors. She's a great baby, until she gets hurt. Then, it's tons of tears. Fortunately, I will have the baby tylenol ready to calm her ills and kisses to take away her tears. My dog, a Greyhound named Raya, is doing GREAT. Took her to the Vet because she wasn't acting right. She was laying down alot, not really wanting affection. I was worried that it was her time to go. Since she's an old lady in dog years. And definately at the usual age point of surviving greyhounds. Turns out that she only has a bladder infection. SO, it's pills for her, 3 times a day until all the pills are gone. Yippee!! I'm doing good. Enjoying being a mother and wife. Loving life and definately enjoying all that I can do with my daughter. Part of me wonders if I could have another one. What with the complications of my first pregnancy, I only have a 25% chance of getting pregnant again. But hey, worth a shot right? I know the Rabbit would ADORE having another kid. He always wanted more than one. But then, He comes from a big family. My sister has moved out of Colorado, and I miss her. I hope she knows what she's doing, and even if she doesn't, I'm here for her if things hit the fan. Lord knows everyone needs someplace to run back to when things get bad. Of course, things might go GREAT for her, and if so, thank the Gods. She really needs something uplifting in her life. My daughter misses her, sometimes carries a picture of her around and mumbles her auntie's name. Hopefully that too shall pass. I suppose that's really all the news from my end. I definately can't say things have been dull. Which, YAY, is a good thing. All my love and blessings to you folks. Thanks for reading.

Stupidity

I must learn to remain utterly calm. Why? Because I am at current in a situation I do not desire to be in past my birthday. I want my space back. I want my world calmed down again. I want my child to have a normal everyday life. Furthermore, I don't want people coming and going at all hours of the day and night in my home. I don't feel it's acceptable. I might have when I was younger, but now I have a child to worry about. And she, is my first priority. Further, people aren't contributing to the household. Not in ANY way. That kind of ticks me off. When someone can eat your food, drink your soda, and NOT help do simple DAILY tasks, vaccum, do dishes, take out trash...I tend to get irate. Hence, my current situation. I'm toasted. I'm over it. I'm done. And, unfortunately, I am in a nearly always sour mood because of it.

Mmmk

So, things are finally ironing out for myself and the Rabbit. The Princess Pea recently spent a bit of time at the hospital. Aren't stitches FUN!! She's fine now, I lost my head when it happened unfortunately and told Tiger that He had to fix it. HAHA. Go figure. Seeing blood alone makes me queezy, let alone seeing my daughter bleeding. It wasn't fun for me. Then, go ahead and toss in Bobcat ( The Rabbit's little sister ) who is currently staying with us, and you've got a hectic household. Not to mention the fact she is dating Tiger. So at least I get to see Him more. Even if it is only long enough for her to jump into His vehicle. Also, heard from an old friend today, and was thrilled silly about it. I can't wait to see her again. Maybe someday soon. I can hope right? I suppose that's the minutes.

ok then...

Well, tons has happened within the past few weeks. My sister, Otter, was living with me and the Rabbit. Due to things not being done the way they were supposed to be, she is now back home with her parents. I wish it didn't happen, but there is nothing I can do about that. Wish there was. Second, I no longer have a cell phone. Those of you with the number, well...you won't reach me. You will reach my sister. I decided that it wasn't something I needed to have, and since my sister had no phone...well, give it to her and be done with it. Hence, no longer having a leash. Nothing connecting me to my mother. Works for me.

Other than that, it's SSDD. So, feel free to contact me, if you know how anyway.

Brightest Blessings.

Yippee!

Officially moved into my new place. It's a nice 3 bedroom house, and almost ALL the boxes are gone. YAY! Currently, I live with the Rabbit, the Otter and my Princess Pea. Fortunately, thus far, everything is going great. Once reality sets in, I am quite sure that will change. The Otter is once more job hunting. Due to her being sick, and helping me, she lost her job. Dang-It! The Rabbit is getting His stuff together to begin work with Swift. Another good thing. Then toss in the Princess Pea learning to walk, and there is TONS going on. Also, got 3 cats and a dog living in this house as well. Can we say PACKED! HAHA. But, Nemisis, Mozart and Noggie are doing well. ( Cats ) and Sequoia ( the dog ) is learning her new place rather quickly. YAY So, I suppose that's it. As always, if ya'll want to contact me, you each have your methods. Ciao Babes!

It's official

I am moving this weekend! Calling all strong hands! HAHA. Just kidding, though I could use help moving one very akward couch. Anyway, I won't be online for awhile. But hope to have that back up and running ASAP. If anyone wants to see me, talk to me prior to that, you have my phone number, or know someone who does have it. Give a ring.

Again with the boxes!!

Finally found a place. 3 bedrooms. Ok neighborhood...but right in my price range. Which is, CHEAP! Showed Tiger today, though I wasn't sure if His reaction was a good thing, or a bad thing. Hope to move this weekend. IF everything works out as it should. I can pray..as I always do. So my friends, once more...after this weekend, I will have limited access for awhile. I will do all I can to not make it too long. But know, that I will...as always...return. Somehow, I can't seem to remain away from this place. This hellish pit of internet hell.

Idle Minds R Us

It's terrible when your mind becomes idle and you begin to think of things better left in the past. Yet, I find myself doing so. For yesterday, the past was brought full force into my mind. And it is on that I contemplate.
It's been years, since I thought so deep on choices. On things said, done and left undone. I remember what once was. How I felt. How I loved.
I can name, truly very few who touched my heart, my life. Yet still names come into my mind. Wondering.
Dragonfly, Tiger,Sandcat, Eagle and Foo.
These names mean little to most of you who might read this post. Yet, to me they will always mean something. For with them, a piece of my heart rests always. Thick or thin, I think of them always. Pray for them, dream of them, wish for them.
Dragonfly was the First. For He changed much about the way I saw things. The way I wanted things. He captured my innocence in a way that it could never be reclaimed. I lost Him, and to this day I wonder if I could have changed that. Had I begged, pleaded, broke down..would it have helped? If I had done so, would my life be different? So many questions that will ever remain unanswered. Ever be written in my heart, where no other can begin to understand the impact.
Sandcat...how dear he will always remain to me. The first to stand up and be heard. The first to protect and guide my heart. The first lover. The first deep emotion. The first star lit gaze. He got such a bad deal with me. I regret nothing, for I knew Him once. I still hear His laughter now and then when times get particularly bad. That laugh, His sparkling blues...they are a secret salvation. A glory in my heart.
Tiger...dearest love, sweetest man, wonderous friend. So many things to learn from Him. To this day, I still learn. He will always be with me, even when He isn't. We've missed so much. We've lost, so much. Can it be regained? Never. But it can be built upon. Made better. I won't lose Him again. No one can ask that of me. No one can ask me to say goodbye to the man who taught me to fight, to give quick retorts, to quip and lead with my right...not my left.
Eagle...so much love and pain mingled in one place. So much my heart aches for Him. So much my mind lets go. I love Him, and I hate him. How this is possible, I do not know. I know should He want me, I will be there. Should He need me, he has but to say my name. I want to pluck out his feathers and stick them up his nose...but I want to hold him, and tell him the world is not as cruel as he thinks. Then again...maybe he is right, and the world is a shiftless, bottomless pit.
Foo...so many memories. So many years. Keeper of things I've long since forgotten. Holder of many jokes and smiles. Patience. Loyalty. Adoration. Devotion. He is a quandry. A mystery. He is fidgity, restless, fickle. Yet honest, hardworking and true. Once called friend by the Rabbit, He is always just that. He is always by your side, even when you make a horrible choice. He always forgives, and always moves on. He's taught me comprimise, forgiveness, love. His rabbit hole of a mind, is dark and scary...yet even through the looking glass...He manages a bright smile.
I know not why I ramble so, yet such thoughts entered my brain, and they had to be released. Tiger, put so many things there. I must let it go, or it will fester.

Odd...

I never realized, that people might actually think me weird for being a mother. That people would have -gasp- never thought of me as one and find it strange and even odd. For as long as I can remember, I knew I wanted to have one child. Originally I wanted a boy. Strong and handsome. Blue eyed....instead, I got a darling, and charming little girl. Blue eyed. I can't possibly be happier. It just isn't possible for me. I know I will never have another one. I can't. That, is impossible. But I know I am glad I am a mother. Even if it does seem strange to other people. Now, for the news. What little I have. I have been most fortunate and blessed to see the Tiger. More than once. Heck, even more than five times. I'm starting to wonder! I enjoy my time with Him, and My princess pea seems to really enjoy Him as well. Could it be, that He and I are bonding again? I worry over the Tiger however. His lack of joy, happiness. Even when He laughs, it seems hollow. If there was something I could do, anything to bring back the sparkle to His eyes, the bounce to His step. Pluck Him from darkness and give Him forth to the light once more. I would in a heartbeat. There is no doubt. I will always worry of the Tiger. For regardless of what anyone might say, or think, He remains ever close to my heart. Even when I hate Him. It was also pointed out recently, that I fidget too much. I never thought myself to be a fidgeting person, but apparently I am. For I've heard it from more than once person. Perhaps I ought to buy stock in pen caps and coke bottle caps. Chewing on them mellows me, and I suppose it will for a long time. Anyway, Mothers Day is fast approaching. My first, and I am thrilled. So, to all you mothers out there...Happy Mothers Day. To all of you who have mothers, call them, give them a card, take them to lunch. Let them know that even though you aren't there with them every day, they are always in your heart. For truthfully, you will never know when they won't be. Brightest Blessings to you all.

So sue me

It's been awhile since I bothered posting here. Mainly because my life has been a series of up and down for quite some time. So, finally having a free moment to do more than simply check my Myspace page, I thought I might be able to go ahead and catch you all up to speed. So to speak.

First and foremost - The Princess Pea's father and I are talking about trying to work it out. I don't know that the relationship can be saved, but it's worth a shot. So I'm taking it. If it can't be, at least I can say I tried all I could to hold it together, and leave it at that.

Second - The Princess Pea is now 10 months old. Quite the changed creature from the one I had so many months ago. I can't believe that within such a short time she will be a year old. It feels like I just had her! She's crawling now, and pulling up, and cruising around holding onto things. Hands included. She can wave bye bye. She's grown so much, and I honestly don't know if I'm ready for it.

Third - Getting my ducks in a row. As much as they can be afterall. Dealing with everything that comes my way. Trying to remain sane, without letting too much weigh me down. It's hard, but I manage. I just happen to get more and more gray hair from it. HAHA!

Now, for the upside. There has been a few good things going on.

Easter came and went. However, I did get to see my cousin Matt. He came in for Easter from Ohio. ( Didn't I just kiss that stinking place goodbye?! )
I FINALLY got to see my adopted brother, Tiger. Thank god for small miracles. He seems to be doing well. It's funny, you never realize how much you've missed someone, until they are back around and you can once more consider them a part of your life. He appears to, if nothing else, tolerate the Princess Pea. Who is fasinated with Him. Quite funny actually. My old friend, Hedgehog had a baby girl about five weeks ago. I'm so happy for her. Though I admit, it is a little startling to think of the Hedgehog as a Mommy. I suppose that's it for good news. Without continually running on about the bright spot in my life ( The Princess Pea ) So, I will end here and say to you all Bright Blessings, and Good Night!

Oh Yippee!

It's another day of job hunting - Don't suppose any of you know of any job openings do you? Just finished putting out a bunch of resume's on Monster.com. Guess that kind of rounds out my day. HAHA. Anyway, not much going on here. No life. Not romantically or otherwise. Sad, I know. Kind of keep hoping someone actually wants to see me, yet no doors have opened. Suppose I am once more the enigma. The unknown. Hope you all are doing alright. Know that you are in my thoughts and heart - always.

Baby it's cold outside

Another day of snow and chill. Not to mention the cold I've got ( along with the Princess Pea ) but, we are both doing as well as we can I suppose. Can't say I've been doing much aside from job hunting and all that jazz. Wish I had a life, but I don't. Most of the people I once hung out with live night lives - and having a baby, I can no longer live that kind of life. I miss hanging out and doing things, but, such is life. I wouldn't trade my daughter to have all that back. She is far more special to me than a million different nights out.

I hope all of you are well. You are missed by me.