Publishing Work

I always wanted to be able to take something I'd written. Something I've poured my heart and soul into, to my mother and show her ' Look. Look what I accomplished '. I can't remember a time when I didn't feel like a complete and total failure to my mother. Like everything I did was wrong in some way. Perhaps that started with birth. I nearly killed her being born. My father split on us, no doubt because I wasn't the Son he wanted. I was her thorn for at least 16 years of my life..and I can't remember once her looking at me and saying she was proud of me. I think that's something every child wants to hear. Way to go - Good Job - I'm proud of you. Out of everyone in my family, her pride in me is something I've tried constantly to achieve. And seemingly constantly failed to do. I've failed her in numerous ways. I know I have. I failed her when she told me I'd never do better then when I married Sandcatt. I failed her when I divorced Him and lost her as my mother for a time because of it. I failed her by not being able to take care of her. I failed her somedays, by simply breathing.

I owe, alot of my survival to people she once called friend. And some she still does call friend. Sandcatt, Tiger, Hawk. Yet, even their pride in me. Their happiness at times in knowing me or being around me, and yes even their anger at me...was never enough. I wanted my mother to look at me and tell me she was proud.

Maybe one day I will achieve publishing my work. But pride in myself still seems to come at a second hand to the Pride I desire to see shining in my mothers eyes.